When You're Away
by hanuka
Summary: Jane leaves California to find Red John. Lisbon runs through her memories of them together. Each chapter will be set to a song. T for language and sexuality.Please review! I own nothing. We're going M later on.
1. Chapter 1

_You give yourself to strangers_

_There's little left for those you love_

_Postcards express from every corner of the world _

_They just don't express enough _

Patrick Jane looked at a clock in the airport counting down the minutes until he could get on the plane and follow Red John. His head was filled with thoughts of finding Red john and killing him. He hadn't told anyone where he was or where he was going. _But _he was sure she was already here and looking for him, he knew that's what would happen it was just the way she was, stop things before they begin."Jane!" he hadn't noticed that she was in front of him. She was still in her work clothes. "Lisbon I didn't expect you to find me." He said nonchalantly. "Jane don't B.S. me not now. Why are you leaving? What if the lead's false or it's just a trap made by Red John? Why are you leaving me?"

_You lose yourself to players _

_You stake your sanity for fun_

_But years from now when they come and find you to collect _

_You'll be lonely on the run_

Jane saw Lisbon's face change she hadn't meant to say that. She hadn't meant to say _"Why are you leaving me?" _he wanted to say something maybe chide her for it. Were things this serious for her? "I have to do this Lisbon, I have to find him, and I have to kill him. Don't stop me; this is hard for me too." Did he really want to go away? Yes he decided he did. He reached out towards Lisbon she pulled back. Her face was completely in shock, and then her face changed to complete sadness. Jane never liked to think that he could cause this emotion on Lisbon face.

_There'll be no scene at the airport_

_No-one begging you to stay_

_And all the people you care for _

_You will have pushed them all away_

_So before you leave tonight I need to say_

Lisbon looked at him and said"What about all the people who care about you? What about Cho, Rigsby, and Van pelt? What about your wife and child? What about me?" "I have to do this. I have to do this for me; I need to stop Red John." "No you don't! You can stay here we can help you find him! You can be with us!" "No you can't help me Red John's left the country, he's out of your jurisdiction and once I get on that plane I'll be out of your jurisdiction, and I'll be out of your hair. I'll try to keep in contact." He stood up and pulled Lisbon to him in a hug, He inhaled her hair, the smell of her. He whispered into her hair _"I love you Teresa."_

_That I love you more than words could ever say _

_I miss you every minute of the day _

_When you're away_

Lisbon pulled back and looked at him. Jane offered the scene next to the one he had just been sitting in. She sat and stared straight ahead she held on to Jane's hand. She starts going through her memories sifting through them. She remembers everything associated with them and everything in them.

_I spend my hours waiting _

_There's little else for me to do _

_Someday a lonely soul will stop outside my window _

_And who knows it might be you _

She remembers being touched, gently kissed, holding a hand, and being held. Sharing the same bed, being together, wondering and worrying together finding each other. Remembering how it started, now she felt alone.

_There'll be no scene at the airport _

_No-one praying you won't go_

_And all the people we care for _

_Move on if we don't le t them know _

_So I have to tell you now before you go_

There are words she wants to say, words that she knows wouldn't make him say, but she wants to say them._ I love you_. The words get stuck in her throat and she can't make her mouth work. Her hands feel cold and she feels shaky. Is she breaking down?

_That I love you more than words could ever say_

_And I miss you every minute of the day_

He notices and he pulls her to him and lends her his shoulder he does not say anything. She begins to cry the tears land on his clothes. What she wants to say she hopes he already knows. She'll miss him and she won't know what to do. But he knows she'll be fine because that's just the way she is she survives.

_When you're away_

_When you're away _

_You're so far away_

_So far away_

Too soon it's time for Jane to board. He stands up and helps Lisbon to her feet he looks at her straight into her eyes; he touches her face with both hands like he wants to remember her forever. He pulls her to him and kisses her on the forehead, he let's go, turns away and boards the plane. In her head Lisbon manages to say _I love_ _you._ She goes home and lays down trying to keep the smell of Jane on her body.

_I love you more than words could ever say_

_I miss you every second of the day_

_When you're away…_


	2. Craftsmanship and Poetry

_Another evening on your own _

_You wander round your perfect home_

_You watch the silent furniture you carefully picked out early this year _

Teresa Lisbon looked around the room and settled into a chair, she was counting things. Days, hours, suspects, and cases. She wonders if this is normal is this obsessive? She misses every day that he doesn't say anything.

_You wonder how it came to this _

_Had your aim but it seems you missed _

_All you wanted was his love but you soon discovered that was not enough_

She had really no one to connect with. Even if she did try to reach out she would just push people away. She didn't know what to do, she didn't want to be alone but she was alone now.

_Oh, the silence_

_Oh, the silence in your house and in your head and in your heart_

_Is so loud_

Teresa found her house unsettling now, it was incredibly quiet. Now that he was gone she was back to the sort of lonely she had been stuck with before. She wanted him to come home. He had called her it was a transatlantic phone call. His voice was distant, faraway.

_You thought he could save your life_

_If only you would become his wife_

_You thought the prefect wedding day would make this awful headache go away_

Patrick started out a dirty hotel window, he had gotten a lead. Red John had been in the country now he was heading for the continent. Patrick wondered how long this would last. When would he be back? He missed Teresa he missed being at home.

_Oh, the silence_

_Oh, the silence in your house and in your head and in your heart_

Teresa had promised herself she wouldn't drink, she couldn't resist anymore, and she needed her friend in the bottle. She had some red wine it was an impulse buy,"_Just in case."_ She had thought when she had bought it at the time. It seemed silly now. She poured herself a glass, her hands were shaky she dropped the glass red wine spilled all over the floor.

_Stop spilling red wine on the carpets _

_You know the stains won't come off anymore _

_Come on surprise us, no compromises this time _

_Ask more of life, ask more…_

She scrubbed as best she could there was still a dark stain. She didn't drop the second glass. She stared out a window and watched the outside world. People looked happier out there. Didn't she used to be one of those people? Was she ever one of them? She touched her forehead, he had kissed her there. That spot on her forehead was still warm.

_Oh, the silence _

_Oh, the silence in your house and in your head and in your heart_

She hadn't looked at herself in the mirror for days. She knew her eyes were probably baggy, she hadn't done her hair, and there was no one to do it for. She closed up her whole body in a chair. She pulled herself into a ball. She looked towards her bedroom; she wasn't going to bed too many memories, not yet. It would be a long night.

_And in your life _

_Ask more of life _

_Ask more in life_

_Ask more…_

He wondered if she was sleeping. He wondered if she was happy. He wanted to be at her apartment, he wanted to be with her. He missed her lectures and being berated by her. He missed how she smelled, her hair, her whole physical presence! He needed to call her to call her soon he wanted to go home soon.

_Ask yourself how much you care_

_About kitchen chairs and Baudelaire _

_No craftsmanship or poetry can keep a young girl happy forever _

_You need someone to turn you on, you need to let yourself have fun_


	3. Room With a view

_I need a room with a view _

_An armchair by the window _

_A cup of coffee and a cigarette or two _

_Watch the sky turn from hazy gray to black_

_Watch my neighbours go to work _

_And look exhausted and burned out when they get back _

_Thinking about you _

_Thank God for this beautiful view_

Lisbon stared out the window watching the sun go down. Today was her day off, she was alone it wasn't usually like that, usually she was with someone. Just one person named, Patrick Jane. She had been counting the days _20…21…22_ days since he had been gone, out catching Red John. Teresa closed her eyes and remembered.

_I recall you took me swimming _

_The sea was dark and cold _

_You'd been there many times before _

_With many different girls, I'd been told _

_But what's a man without a past _

_We love him for his lies _

_And then we try to break him down to make it last_

'_Till they come true _

_Thank God for this beautiful view_

He had taken her swimming once in the ocean when she had that she had never swum in the ocean before. For some reason he took her swimming at night, it was pitch black he had gotten in first. They hadn't brought swim suits and Teresa was discovering that underclothes are very different from swim suits."Come on in." he cajoled."No its doesn't look safe." He cocked his head and replied"How do you know?" _How do you know?_ That's what had gotten her, and she didn't know truthfully. She smiled a small smile and she walked to him into his arms.

_Beautiful view_

_You, you, you…_

_I still love you _

She felt safe at that time, with him it was like him to do all these strange things for her. She liked talking to him even when he irritated her. She wanted to ask things about him, she hadn't seen any of his family; he was vague on his answers. She considered running a background check but she wasn't sure she wanted to know. She could feel tears running down her face, she missed him so much.

_The dark is falling and the city fills with lights _

_Cars like shinning pearls on strings _

_Moving through the emptiness of night _

_The wine is running through my head _

_I'm spellbound by the moment _

_Can't get can't find the strength to go to bed _

_Without you _

_Thank God for this beautiful view _

She sometimes called out his name when she was alone, when she wanted talk or something. She stops midway through sentences when she realizes he's not there. Work is harder there are constant reminders of him the couch he liked to sleep on, the way he unraveled cases, her coworkers Teresa is sure that they notice how she's acting. They've been asking about Patrick, Cho had already guessed about their relationship first, he had asked her and she confirmed it. She now understood what it meant when people say you don't know what you have until you've lost it.

_Beautiful view _

_You, you, you…_

_I still love you _

She wishes she could find out where he was, she didn't know this would be affecting her so much. She felt like her life was stunted without him. She missed seeing him, hearing his voice, and being touched by him. Her only consolations were that he would come back alive and her memories of him and her. She wished she could hear him say something, to chide her or make a joke. She chugged down the rest of her wine, she heard the click of the key in a lock She turned her head toward her apartment door entrance "Patrick are you coming too?" she faltered when the door didn't open and she realized she was alone. She got up and headed to bed.

_I've been blind too blind to tell false from truth _

_I've been so busy running _

_Never stopped to think where I was running to_

_But I've learned my lessons from the tears I've had to cry _

_Sometimes it helps to take your time _

_To sit alone and watch the world go by _

_Cause every day it's new _

_Thank God for this beautiful view _

_Every day it's new _

_Thank God for this beautiful view _

_Thank God for this beautiful view _


	4. One

_One_

_One touch can fill a life of longing_

_Not much is so much more than nothing _

_Yeah- All you need is _

_One_

_An open smile to win you over _

_One single step will bring you closer _

_Yeah- All it takes is one _

Teresa remembers the first time she was hugged by him. She was a little surprised, but it felt warm and right and safe. She wished he had hugged her for a longer amount of time.

_And when you're running for cover _

_And you feel the sky falling down upon you _

_And when it feels like forever _

_Since you've seen the face of someone who loves you_

She comes to work just to see him. She does her hair in the morning sometimes. Hoping that he might say something, she notices that he keeps his distance sometimes when he's touched her in some way. She wishes he would come closer, stay closer.

_Then one is all that you need_

_All that you need to keep you warm _

_All that you need _

_All that you need to move you on_

_It's all that you need_

_All you need is_

She remembers the first time she kissed him. It was late at night they were the only two at work still. He was sleeping on his couch. She was watching him from her office pretending to do paperwork. She liked watching him sleep. She liked seeing him like this when he was peaceful. She leans down to the lowest draw on the file cabinet in her desk. She took out the bottle. She was about to drink directly from the bottle when she heard his voice "You shouldn't drown yourself in alcohol; you'll scar your liver." She looked over at him on the couch. His eyes were still closed; she didn't have an angry comeback. All she had was straight Vodka, and open mouth, and lust.

_One _

_One word to fill a room of silence _

_A hand to offer you some guidance _

_Yeah-all you need is _

_One _

_A moment long enough to notice _

_That everything's stepped into focus_

_Yeah- all it takes is one_

She came over to the couch Jane opened his eyes and sat up. Teresa sat down next him. She passed him the bottle, he drank a little he passed it back to her and she took a drink. Each of the swallows were bitter. She could feel his eyes watching her; she refused to avert her eyes from the bottle. Suddenly his hand was resting on her wrist. He gently tugged Teresa towards him forcing her to look at him.

_And when you've run from questions _

_And it seems like uncertainty controls you _

_And when you're looking for answers _

_In the eyes of somebody who knows you _

She looked into his eyes, looking for something in there. The emotion seemed like a mix of loneliness and lust. She touched his cheek and moved her face closer to his face. But she stops all the reasons why she shouldn't be doing this goes through her all her principles and the rules. She starts to pull back but Jane closes the space between them and kisses her. His mouth is warm; he's very good at kissing she notices. She forgets all the reasons why this is wrong, she forgets and she feels incredibly safe now in this moment.

_Then one is all that you need _

_All that you need to keep you warm_

_All that you need_

_All that you need to move you on _

_Is all that you need _

_All that you need to get you home _

_All that you need _

_All you need is one _


	5. Transcotinental 1:30 AM

_Wait_

_Don't let this line go slack _

_Don't go alone into the cold_

_Wait _

_Don't give up on this yet _

_I know there's more you haven't told _

Teresa was wandering around her apartment at 1:30 A.M. he said he would call but she didn't expect much she was already losing hope. The phone interrupted her thoughts. She picked it up, the line was crackly "Hello" She said "Teresa it's me."

_Wait my love _

_Just one more thought _

_Wait my love _

_I haven't got time in my life _

_To watch you drive out to sea _

She almost dropped the phone "Patrick where are you?" "Somewhere in France…sound is bad. Don…not...yet." "Patrick I can't hear you, I've been worried everyone misses you we want you to come home" "…can't not...Yet." She had to say something, something to make him come home.

_So please wait _

_Don't let this line go slack _

_I want to bring you back _

_To where I know you _

Patrick could hear the static and the deep sadness in Teresa's voice, he could hear even in the crappy phone booth in France somewhere. He had been thinking about her more and more, during the day he couldn't concentrate on finding Red John. He needed to get off the phone to go look for him "Teresa I need to go."

_Wait_

_Don't give up on this yet _

_I want you to let me let me hold you _

_Wait my love _

_Just one more thought_

"Patrick you don't have to go you could stay, I'm alone and afraid I'm worried about what might happen to you." "Don't worry I'll call more." I'll still worry when you're not here she thought. She touched her forehead the spot was cold.

_Wait my love _

_I haven't got time in my life to watch you drift away_

_But I've all kinds of time if you'll stay_

"Patrick I worry a lot about you and what you want to do. She hoped he could hear the tears in her voice. He could hear it and it was breaking his heart. He wondered if he would ever put his selfishness aside for anyone else.

_I know we're transcontinental, 1:30 A.M._

_And there's not even a wire, just a whispering in the air _

The line was gathering even more static. She wanted to say more, but the words got stuck it always happened whenever she wanted to say something that would help someone she loved. She could barely hear his voice now. "Teresa…I love you." The line went dead. She laid the phone back in its cradle. She looked around the room. It contained too many memories, she decided to leave.

_I know we're transcontinental, 1:30 A.M._

_But I'm here_


	6. Night Cab

_The raindrops on the roof of the car _

_Sound like a warning _

_I'm alone in the backseat_

_And in the clouded sky a pondering star _

_Waits for morning _

_To go back to sleep_

Teresa was chasing down a suspect at night. She had Van Pelt in the seat next to her. She knew she was probably driving over the speed limit. She couldn't concentrate, she could never think of anything lately except for Patrick. She wishes she could forget.

_There's a great big world out there_

_Of good and bad and everything in between _

_I've got my own small world in here_

_Of happy and sad and the little I have seen_

She hadn't been going home much anymore because of the memories. She had been sleeping at work on Jane's couch. Because the couch is comfortable she told herself. She could smell him when she slept there she wanted to be enwrapped by his smell.

_Keep driving, keep driving_

She keeps her eyes on the road watching who she was pursuing. The suspect had jumped out of his car Teresa was barely able to stop the car. She and Van Pelt ran after the suspect. They followed him left and right. But he evaded them. Teresa looked up at the sky raindrops started to fall onto her face. When Van Pelt came jogging back Teresa asked "Could I stay at your house Van Pelt?"

_The silent lamppost bows down its head _

_Encircled by darkness _

_With time on its side_

_And when everyone I know are in bed _

_My light shines the sharpest _

_Across the divide _

Van Pelt's place was very different from Teresa's it was warm. Van Pelt seemed a little bit uncomfortable; then again Van Pelt had a hard time saying anything to Teresa. She still was tired though and stuck in her memories. She liked to drive around at night in her car, it calmed her nerves. She liked the way things were quieter at night.

_There's a deep blue sea out there _

_Of birth and death and the lovely mess in between _

_I've got my own short life in here _

_Going to God-knows-where in this fast machine_

She felt she was going through the motions; each case was taking everything out of her. She wasn't sure if she was arresting the right person. All the crimes seemed motiveless; she really wondered why she was still working there. She wanted to use her leave but she didn't want to give Hightower the satisfaction of being right. Teresa knew she suspected. She was ignoring it as best she could.

_Keep driving, keep driving _

She wondered if your memories could kill you. She really hoped not. She wanted him to call she was starting to forget his voice. She knew Van Pelt was watching and wondering. She seemed to be waiting for a moment to ask. Teresa sort of hoped she would. Teresa didn't want to say anything she just kept driving.

_Through the city, past the billboards _

_Selling hope to hopeless souls _

_To the outskirts where every locked door_

_Has seen things that no-one knows_

_Past the beaches where the wind blows _

_And the waves caress the shore _

_Through the forest where a tree grows _

_For two hundred years or more _

Van Pelt does ask and Teresa does talk. Van Pelt talks her through the things that had been happening. She tells her what she has been feeling. She listens and she comforts. She still drives at night.

_The raindrops on the roof of the car _

_Sound like a warning _

_I'm alone in the backseat _

_And in the clouded sky a lonesome star_

_Waits for morning _

_To go back to sleep _


	7. Crack The Shutters

_You cool your bed-warm hands down on the broken radiator,_

_And when you lay them freezing on me, I mumble "can you wake me later?"_

_But I don't really want you to stop and you know it so it doesn't stop you _

_And run your hands from my neck to my chest_

"Jane, go home!" snapped Teresa Lisbon she turned away from him and started walking towards her desk. Patrick Jane followed "Lisbon I'm not tired and I'm not ready to go yet!' he fake whined. She just glared at him and said" You haven't slept in days it's a pain in the ass for you to be sleeping here every night!" Teresa wanted to slap him to do something to convince him to go home; she was insanely worried about him. "It's not my fault my bed's uncomfortable." He playfully countered with. Suddenly she had an idea "Jane how do you feel about sleeping at my house?"

_Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day_

_And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body _

_I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute _

_Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you _

Patrick Jane wandered through England looking for Red John, he hadn't found anything. Late at night he went back to his hotel room. He thought about Lisbon and went through one of his favorite memories of her. She had told him to go to her house to sleep; he had crawled into her bed to sleep, at eleven PM he heard her come home. She tiptoed to her bedroom; he could feel her eyes watching him sleep. She stepped into the bedroom walking to the bathroom in the bedroom. She washed her hands and came out. She laid her hands on the broken radiator next o the bed. She laid her hands on his chest and straddled him; he could smell her above him, her face was maybe two inches away from his. Jane started massaging her thighs. She gasped in surprise; apparently she hadn't realized he was awake. He opened his eyes, her surprised look turned into a smile as she leaned down and kissed him clothes flew off and they began.

_It's been minutes, it's been days, it's been all I will remember _

_Happy lost in your and the cold side of the pillow _

_Your hills and valleys are mapped by my intrepid fingers _

_And in a naked slumber, I dream all this again_

They lay in the bed reeling their limbs tangled together Teresa leaned into Patrick's chest. She inhaled the smell of him. He had his face buried in her hair; she hadn't felt this good after making love. She had been dreaming about when she had been sleeping. Being gently held and touched, having her clothes pulled away. She looked up at him he looked at her they smiled. She clung to those memories now.

_Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day _

_And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body _

_I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute _

_Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you_

He remembered her getting up in the morning and opening up the windows in the room, he breathed in shock; he hadn't seen her body during the day. He took in her slim body, taking in her form. She knew he was watching she came back over and sat on the edge of the bed on the side where he was. She touched his face moving her hands all over him trying to take him in. He closed his eyes just reveling in the moment.

_Crack the shutters open wide, I wanna bathe you in the light of day_

_And just watch you as the rays tangle up around your face and body_

_I could sit for hours finding new ways to be awed each minute_

_Cuz' the daylight seems to want you just as much as I want you_


	8. Blue  Caravan

_Blue, blue caravan_

_Winding down to the valley of lights_

_My true love is a man _

_Who would hold me for ten thousand nights_

Theresa leans her back against her living room wall. She tried to remember him. What did he look like? What was his face like? What did his smile look like? What did he wear? The details of Patrick were slipping away each day. She couldn't remember what he looked like she only remembers what he felt like. If she tried to find him in her memories she only found his darkness. The darkness he was unwilling to share when she offered to carry the burden. The darkness was what she could remember and being held that's all she could dredge up.

_In the wild, wild wailing wind_

_He's a house in the soft yellow moon_

_So blue, blue caravan_

_Won't you carry me down to him, soon_

When the darkness consumed him he would shut her out but she would pull him back in. She was like a home that he was driving to. If she found him consumed by it she would lean over his back and whisper in his ear "Give me your pain." He gave willingly he would push her against a wall and she understood that when he was like this he would never be gentle he would never be kind. Lying awake in the same bed she would cradle his head in her arms. She would always think" I'm just doing him a favor. Everything will be fine tomorrow." It didn't stop them from fighting though. And when they did fight it would just lead to the same thing. A never ending cycle of fights, darkness, and pain which all ended in the bedroom she seemed to think that their sex was fiercer and she enjoyed it more when it was like that.

_Blue, blue caravan _

_Won't you drive away all of these tears?_

_My true love is a man _

_That I haven't seen in years_

She wondered if this is how it is with codependent relationships one leaves and the other starts to forget. She wondered if he was forgetting too. He had told her he would belong to her. But she knew that wasn't true there was third one he belonged to as well. It was like sharing him and then having to bring Patrick back when it became impossible for them both to sleep. She had always like the feel of his hair it was soft and curly. She loved to spend whole evenings running her fingers through his hair. He would jokingly say to her" Theresa I won't have any more hair when your through mussing it." She would just say "You know you enjoy it." He would flash her his smile and she would keep playing with it. She liked to end many of their cases like this. Just the two of them and Patrick's hair.

_He said:_

"_Go where you have to_

_For I belong to you until my dying day." _

_So like a fool, blue caravan, I believed him_

_And I walked away_

She really wondered why she let him get on that plane. Why hadn't she pulled him back and forced him to come back with her. She wondered why she was allowing herself to crumble over him. It hadn't been a real relationship. Couldn't she still survive without him being there? Why was she only okay if he was around? Why is it that when he left she spiraled downward.

_Oh, my blue, blue caravan_

_Oh, the highway is my great wall_

_My true love is a man _

_Who never existed at all _

Theresa half-heartedly wondered if when two broken people were in a relationship and the other left would the other question if the relationship and the other person actually existed. She wondered why she was thinking of it as a relationship because it wasn't. She had only been providing a comfort for him to keep him going when he would slow down. It was only a comfort that involved sharing the same bed a couple nights a week. They weren't lovers or anything like that just… she wasn't sure what sharing the same bed meant.

_Oh, he was a beautiful fiction_

_I invented to keep out the cold _

_And now my blue, blue caravan _

_I can feel my heart growing cold _

Theresa got into her dark blue van at eleven PM she hadn't turned on the heat and her limbs started to freeze. She wanted to go back into her house but it was too warm and the memories that went with it were too warm. She was tired of keeping out the cold with a fictional lover. She drove around for a couple of hours she still didn't turn on the heat. She felt herself turning into ice on the inside her heart was getting frozen. But wasn't it frozen before she started sleeping with Patrick, wasn't she frozen while they were sleeping together and wasn't she frozen after he had left?

_Oh, my blue, blue caravan _

_I can feel my heart growing old…_


	9. Head shop

_The streets are dark, the night is cold _

_Shadows dance in every window _

_The wind is biting through my coat_

_As evening fades I'm waiting to rise_

Teresa had once compared him to a head shop. They were sitting on her couch she had her back leaned upon on arm of the couch and her legs were extended towards Patrick who had his feet on the floor. "You know you're like a head shop. Your what I need to have a quick fix." He looked at her strangely and she said "I'm serious, you do, you really do." His expression changed to a smile, he chuckled and said "Well if that's true then you're my head shop." Teresa had no response so she put her feet in his lap and said "Foot massage. I deserve it." He started kneading her feet he was a very good masseuse. He was good at a lot of things which was why she referred to him as her headshop. At some point he stopped kneading her feet. Teresa had her eyes closed but she could feel him pushing his body up from his end and up towards her end of the couch. When she felt his face had reached her face she opened her eyes and pulled him into a passionate kiss. She thought "Yes he is my head shop."

_We met this August afternoon _

_His insight threw me like a typhoon_

_And I was frail, I think he knew_

_Whispered words of great escape_

_Now_'s _the time to break away _

She wondered if Patrick was the headshop of other women. His insight into people and suspects could throw you like a typhoon. He said he could read her mind and she liked him and he knew that. Whenever they were alone together he would in her ear about great escapes just the two of them away from the place they were at. But she knew it was all just fantasy he would never leave unless Red john left. Red John like Teresa was a head shop for Patrick they gave him what he needed to keep going. Red John provided murderous lust and Teresa she provided physical comfort. Oh yes they were both head shops.

_He said… _

_Meet me at the head shop _

_Forget yourself and leave it all behind _

_Wait at the bus stop tonight _

_Meet me at the head shop _

_And let me free and open up your mind _

_You and I will take off tonight _

He liked to say that they would get on a bus stop and go somewhere else. In her mind Teresa was always waiting at that bus stop but Patrick would never turn up. She knew that he was never being serious when he said that they would leave, but if she had the opportunity to leave if only in her mind then she would happily board that bus with Patrick.

_The city wakes the sirens call_

_To remind me why I don't remember_

_I'm kicking trash against the wall_

_Evening fades, still waiting to rise _

_No-one escapes undisguised_

She had decided to go for a walk alone she had left Patrick sleeping on her couch although she didn't think he was actually asleep. She kicked some trash and thought about the aspects of her job that required her to be a good actor. When consoling victim's families, playing tough cop to her team members, and playing therapist to Patrick. She was always wearing a mask but her masks were crumbling and her real self was seeping through and that's the mask she was most afraid of.

_He said…_

_Meet me at the head shop_

_Forget yourself and leave it all behind _

_Wait at the bus stop tonight _

_Meet me at the head shop _

_And let me free and open up your mind _

_You and I will take off tonight _

If things stayed the same she wondered where she'd be in five years time. Would the two same wounded people be sharing the same bed? Would they still be working together? Would they still keep the things they were doing secret from people who would disapprove? Would she still be wearing all her masks or would she become the person she was afraid of? These questions must have started showing up on her face because Patrick said to her "You shouldn't be afraid of yourself when you're around me. Don't hide from me what you hide from others." The mask started to crumble more but the image of the bus stop still wouldn't leave her mind.

_To let the colours run _

_To bite the loaded gun _

_To let the tables turn _

_To let the moment crash and burn _

_To take a solid stand _

_However hard you land _

_To wait another day _

_To leave yourself and run away_

The next time he stayed over at her house she abandoned her masks and it was a strange and wonderful thing for both of them. They were each other's head shop they were everything that was needed for those few small moments of physical pleasure that gently interrupted their lives outside the bedroom. But whenever they were engaged in the act or relieving it Teresa would always think of herself at the bus stop but Patrick would never turn up at the bus stop.

_He said… _

_Meet me at the head shop _

_Forget yourself and leave it all behind _

_Wait at the bus stop tonight _

_(And I'm still waiting)_

_Meet me at the head shop_

_And let me free and open up your mind _

_But he never turned up that night…_


	10. In the red

_It doesn't matter where you've been how far_

_It doesn't matter how run down you are _

_Or if there's nothing perfect left in your heart _

_No, it all means nothing, it all means nothing, it all means nothing at all, at all _

Teresa stared into her glass of vodka and recalled the time she and Patrick tried to stop the other from their various addictions. He had come to her house drunk and carrying a half-empty liquor bottle. He said to her with vacant eyes "…Try this…really good." He had fallen over onto her shoulder she had almost fallen over because of his weight it brought her back to her father coming home like this. "This doesn't mean anything." she thought "his heart is imperfect; he's rundown, and he gone so far." She half carried half walked him to her couch and sat him down sat next to him and then took his liquor away from him.

_I've told you every selfish lie I know _

_I've taken fall from dizzy heights- I've let go _

_But there is a simple truth to find below _

_Where it all means nothing, it all means nothing; it all means nothing at all, at all_

In response to the liquor being taken away from him he laid down on the couch and curled himself up into a ball. His head rested in Teresa's lap she started running one head through his hair and the other held one of his hands. He asked her "Things will be better later?" The alcohol clouded his speech and she could barely understand what he had said. She turned her face towards the ceiling and picked through the options she could tell him the truth that things with the Red John case seemed hopeless or that things would get better. She decided to go with the lie though it felt selfish, but Teresa wanted things to be better too. "Yes things will get better." He squeezed her hand in response.

_I'm on the edge for you _

_Losing my head for you _

_I'm in the red for you _

_Tonight, tonight _

_Until my hopes fall through _

_There's nothing else I can do _

_I'm in the red fro you _

_Tonight, tonight _

_I'm on a rescue_

Teresa thought they had stayed the way they were for a couple of hours. Patrick must have been sleeping because he got up from her with a jolt. He wandered around the living room in his drunken stupor. Teresa stayed on the couch until he wandered back to the couch he tried to undo the tie on her robe. He was having trouble doing so because of his mental state. She put her hands on his and stood up. She led him to the doorway of her kitchen where there was light. He had stopped fumbling with the tie on her robe and had gotten it undone he leaned and kissed her.

_Love is a thousand shades of grey and we know _

_There's not a safe or certain way to go _

_But when we've seen all, uneasiness and hate, it will show _

_That it all means nothing, it all means nothing, it all means nothing at all, at all_

It seemed that alcohol freed himself up when he kissed her. "Is this rescuing someone?" Teresa thought "Is using my body for another's comfort rescuing them?" Patrick had moved from mouth to her jaw and downwards. She tilted her head back and let moan of pleasure. "Am I being used?" She pulled her legs around his head and she threw her arms over his back. He Pushed up against the wall and took her over the edge of reason and sanity into his darkness. The darkness that seemed to fuel the sex that they continued to be the main reason for her rescue and their relationship not it wasn't a relationship it was a comfort.

_I'm on the edge for you _

_Losing me head for you _

_I'm in the red for you_

_Tonight, tonight _

_Until my hopes fall through _

_There's nothing else I can do _

_I'm in the red for you _

_Tonight, tonight _

Red, it's a color that plays a role in everything. In cases, Red John, and when she bled comfort. Patrick had bitten Teresa on the neck once and had drawn blood and he had licked taking total pleasure in it. She had wondered if the red would ruin the contract that they had. Was she willing to be in the red for him? Teresa thought but she would be more than willing to do so if only to keep the rescue for as long as she could handle.

_Until my hopes fall through _

_There's nothing else that I can do I'm in the red for you _

_Tonight _

_I'm on a rescue…_


	11. Home

_Lost in cheap delirium _

_Searching the neon lights _

_I move carefully _

_Sink in the city aquarium _

_Sing in the key of night_

_As they're watching me _

They had both once had been at party hosted by someone from work. Teresa hated going to parties because she felt like she was in an aquarium. But Jane seemed to be in his element. She had been sulking at one of these parties when Jane pulled her into a corner. He had pulled her into some topic of conversation and captured her attention from a boring party

_Take me somewhere we can be alone _

_Make me somewhere I can call a home _

'_Cause lately I've been losing my own _

She looked up at him and said "Take me somewhere we can be alone." He looked at her like he was surprised but her took hold of her head and led her out the door. She wondered where he was taking her. He took her to a beach they walked around for awhile and talked about random things. Jane teased Teresa and she would respond with a snappy retort. Just walking on the beach made her feel at home.

_Wrapped in silent elegance _

_Beautifully broken down _

_As illusions burst _

_Too late to learn from experience _

_Too late to wonder how _

_To finish first_

Sometimes when they ran out of things to talk about, but the silence didn't feel bad it felt warm and homey. The silence was very elegant it felt like it wasn't too late to learn from experience, too late to wonder, or to finish first.

_Take me somewhere we can be alone _

_Make me somewhere I can call a home _

'_Cause lately I've been losing my own _

When Teresa looked back on that memory she found that the beach was the home she and Patrick had built. When they went to the beach it stopped Teresa from losing on her own because of the home that they had created. She wondered if she and Patrick would have been together if they had not had that metaphorical home at the beach.

_Take me somewhere we can be alone _

_Make me something I can call a home _

_Won't you take me home _

_Won't you take me home _

'_Cause lately I've been losing my own _

_Won't you take me home _


	12. The Puzzle

_I walked into love _

_I walked into a minefield _

_I never heard of _

Teresa often felt that love was minefield that produced a puzzle. Her relationship with Patrick was puzzle and it could turn into an explosive minefield that blew each of them into a million pieces.

_I walked into love _

_I walked into a minefield _

_I never heard of _

She had seen in movies when people had been blown up by minefields. She wondered if you could feel like you were being blown into a million on the inside. She didn't feel like herself she felt like she was trying to find the pieces of herself so that she could glue herself together

_Her remains were spread out like the pieces of a puzzle _

_It took her 365 days putting them together _

_The pieces were quite difficult to distinguish from each other _

_The y were tiny and the clear blue sky _

_Went on forever _

Often on cases victims who had survived or victims' families would lose pieces of themselves. It was almost like the person was a piece or an extension of them. She supposed that's how it was with her and Patrick. When he would leave her alone she would feel like a piece of her had been ripped from her body.

_Clearly the corners were an easy start _

_That was when everyone was still _

_Helping me out _

_When it was time to fill in the frames _

_They left, they thought I ought _

_To have gotten over you _

_By then _

Teresa found a puzzle in her house and started putting the pieces starting with the corners and the frames. It was harder to fill in the frame and that's how she felt sometimes that the frames wouldn't be filled because they had been taken away in the form of Patrick Jane leaving her behind. The inside of the frame was becoming emptier every day.

_Her remains were spread out like the pieces of a puzzle _

_It took her 365 days putting them together _

_The pieces were quite difficult to distinguish from each other _

_They were tiny and the clear blue sky _

_Went on forever _

She often felt like just when she thought she might be close to putting herself together the pieces would be blown apart again. When that happened it would feel like it would take her 365 days to put herself back together. She hated this feeling because it made her feel weak and it reminded her of how alone she was.

_I wouldn't do that to you _

_I wouldn't do that to you _

_I wouldn't do that to you _

_I wouldn't do that to you _

Patrick would tell her he would always protect her he would never do anything to hurt her. But didn't leaving her constitute hurting her. "I wouldn't do that to you." He would often say. "You're lying." she thought now. "You're hurting me and I can't get mad at you."

_I walked into love _

_I walked into a minefield _

_I never heard of _

"Love is a minefield. It often explodes and it destroys your impression of who you were." Teresa often came to that conclusion nowadays. It was a minefield that she was now intimately familiar with. She was wondering when Patrick would come back and when he did she hoped he would reignite the minefield.

_I walked into love _

_I walked into a minefield _

_I never heard of _

_I never heard of _


	13. Black Acres

_Whirlwind _

_Take me there _

_Where I will be _

_His lady fair _

_Sheets of night _

_Hiding us _

_Gusts of wind _

_Riding us _

_I'm blown away _

_Into his hands _

_I'm weak and high _

_Can barely stand _

She remembers that Patrick had big hands. Hands that carried her, touched her, and comforted her. The hands made her high and weak they led her into his darkness and let her know that she belonged to him. The hands hid them like sheets of night and they were protected by gusts of wind.

_In the web_

_Of dizzy leaves _

_Virgins all_

_Elude the trees_

His hands created a web that surrounded them both and the rest of the world was a forest that was excluded from their world. It was sex filled web.

_Touch me now _

_Touch me _

_The black acres are claiming me _

_They're claiming me _

She loved being touched by him he was always being possessive when touching her. When they were out in public he let other people flirt with her but when they were alone she was always his. When she was touched it was always to claim her and though she would never admit it she enjoyed it completely.

_He holds me up _

_Like a babe _

_Pressing close _

_I can't behave _

_I need to have _

_This little death _

_I'm up against _

_His downy chest _

When he held her she would be cradled like a baby and she would always press close to him. It turned into a need she had to have him whenever they were alone. She couldn't behave like a proper police officer when they were alone. He would pull her to his chest which was like downy and he would turn her towards her insatiable need.

_In the web _

_Of dizzy leaves _

_Virgins all_

_Elude the trees _

_The chill is flush _

_With burning flesh _

_It's so refined _

_This little death_

Their web was tightly knit it ignored the rest of the world it left Teresa dizzy with pleasure. Even when some people had suspicions about what was going on they still stayed in their web of lust even if it meant death from outside forces.

_Touch me now _

_Touch the black acres are claiming me _

_They're claiming me _

She felt guilty about enjoying Patrick's darkness when he dealt with Red John. She often used the darkness to comfort him when she felt he might disappear. She would take his hands and guide him towards the bedroom away from his thoughts. Lying in the same bed he would be asleep on her chest and she would play with his hair and wonder and worry.

_I'm running _

_Away from home _

_Black acres _

_And the wind _

_The wind is blowin'_

_Black acres _

_And the weathervane _

_Its heathen song _

_Lulls the world _

_With silver tongue _

She hoped he wouldn't run away she wanted him to stay she wanted to enjoy his company and his body. But she knew that someday the darkness would force her to run away. Red John would always interfere he was the one who drove her and Patrick's relationship. She felt like that being claimed by Patrick Jane meant she was also the property of Red John.

_Touch me now _

_Touch me _

_The black acres are claiming me _

_They're claiming me_


	14. Running up that hill

_It doesn't hurt me_

_You wanna feel how it feels?_

_You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?_

_You (be running up that hill)_

_You and me (running up that hill)_

The thing that sparked their first fight was Red John. Patrick had made a deal with him. "He said that he'll come to talk to me. Alone." Teresa stared at him for a minute then she said "I can't let you do this Jane. Do you even know if this message is real?" "Yes, he contacted me the way he contacts people." "I think you're going to get hurt doing this, emotionally hurt and I don't want you to do this!" "Lisbon you don't understand! I'm not hurt Teresa! I'm not hurt anymore Teresa!" Teresa stomped out of the room in a fit of anger at Patrick and Red John.

_And if I only could _

_Make a deal with God _

_And get him to swap our places,_

_Be running up that road,_

_Be running up that hill,_

_Be running up that building_

_If I only could, oh…_

Her body was no longer healing him. They kept having fights were they said things that could not be taken back. Whenever he was at her house he wouldn't allow her to comfort him. She would try to kiss he would turn away, when she tried to pull him away from his troubles he would tell her he would sleep on the couch. He would often tell her "I wish I could switch places with my wife and child. I wish I had died in their place." Teresa in response would clutch the cross around her neck and say to him "If I could make a deal with God I would swap places with you, so that you wouldn't talk to Red John."

_You don't want to hurt me,_

_But see how deep the bullet lies_

_Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder_

_There is thunder in our hearts, baby _

_So much hate for the ones we love?_

_Teel me, we both matter, don't we?_

"I know you don't want to hurt me Lisbon but the bullet lies so deep that I have to do this." She crossed her arms against her chest. Her heart was being torn to pieces and he knew, he always knew. She could the thunder in their hearts when they fought. She started to hate the people who would say that it's not possible to save damaged people. They were both damaged people why couldn't they save each other?

_You, (be running up that hill)_

_You and me, (be running up that hill)_

_You and me won't be unhappy _

"I'm going to be okay Lisbon. We'll be fine. No one will hurt us." It hadn't yet reached the day when Patrick would meet Red John. They hadn't been fighting as much but they hadn't been having sex either. "But were not unhappy right?" she would think. Her anger was boiling up hiding just beneath the surface. It increased when Red john came up in a conversation with Patrick. "But we're not unhappy right?" she would think

_And if I only could,_

_Make a deal with God,_

_And get him to swap our places,_

_Be running up that hill,_

_Be running up that building _

_If I only could, oh…_

When she was alone in her bed and Patrick would be downstairs she would clutch her cross and pray that Patrick would not go through with what he wanted to do. She prayed that she wanted to swap places so Patrick would not be hurt. That he would stop talking about Red John, that she wouldn't get angry when he did. She would pray so hard and the prayers would never be answered, Patrick was to set on the path he set for himself.

_C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling _

_Let me steal this moment from you now _

_C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,_

_Let's exchange the experience, on…_

"Stop doing this! This helps no one Jane, least of all you!" "You don't understand Lisbon. I have to do this! I'm the only one who can stop him!" Lisbon threw her hands up in the air and looked at him with angry eyes "Fine obviously I can't stop you from doing this, because you're Patrick Jane, you always know what to do!" her anger had finally imploded. Jane looked at her open-mouthed. "Lisbon..." "You know what Jane just leave! Do what you have to do but we are done. I don't want you in my house anymore, stop coming to me for comfort just leave!" He looked at her and she could see the hurt and internal pain in his eyes but he left and she felt incredibly alone.

_And if I only could,_

_Make a deal with God,_

_And get him to swap our places, _

_Be running up that road,_

_Be running up that hill, _

_With no problems…_

"_If I only could, be running up that hill.'_


	15. Break of day

_Lying back to back at 10 to 1 _

_You're awake, like me _

_Trying to conceive that done is done _

_You made a mistake, I see _

_But I'm a little too tired, baby- it's a little too late_

He did come back however he told her that he didn't want to sleep in his home, it was becoming too painful for him. She let him stay, because she was soft she supposed. He didn't want to sleep on that couch either. She let him sleep in her bed and that was where they were now lying back with 10 minutes to go until 1 in the morning. They were both trying to conceive that their contract was over. They would no longer be sharing the same bed, that a simple mistake Patrick made would be enough to end their relationship. Teresa refused to talk about it, she was too tired and it was too late.

_To bring it up, in the weary dark of night _

_Between black and white _

_Is a thousand shades of grey _

_I'm not giving up but I need a little light _

_Oh-save it for the break of day _

_Save it for the break day _

Teresa started crying softly. She knew he wanted to bring up their fight. She didn't want to. She thought "Save it for the break of day, don't talk to me now. I don't want you to see me now." She didn't want to give up but it was hard not to, because the dark made her weary and weak. "Save it for the break of day."

_Monday's paper scattered on the floor _

_Lost in time, like me _

_Nothing that I haven't seen before _

_A simple mind set free _

_But I'm a little too tired, baby _

_It's a little too late _

The newspaper from Monday was scattered on the floor, with the headline about Red john. It made Teresa feel like she was lost in time, she had seen this all before. She continued to cry, she promised herself that she wouldn't let him hear the crying. Their backs were connected at the spine and Patrick could feel her body spasms sometimes, but he didn't dare to turn around and hold her body. "It's a little too late, she's too tired I'll bring it up later, at the break of day." He thought. "Please bring it up at the break of day." She thought.

_To bring it up, in the weary dark of night _

_Between black and white _

_Is a thousand shades of grey _

_I'm not giving up but I need a little light _

_Oh- save it for the break of day _

"Love isn't black and white it's a thousand shades of grey." She thought. She had stopped crying and her spasms had stopped. She didn't want to give up but she needed some light in the stated of her and Jane's relationship. "Bring it up at the break of day."

_You've been a little bit worried lately _

_Been a little too scared to make me _

_Take a stand a chance to maybe _

_Land this kamikaze romance safely _

_I'm just a little too tired, baby _

_It's a little too late _

She knew he had been worried. He worried about Red John and her. She knew he was scared also; she couldn't take a stand to land their romance which was like a kamikaze plane. She wanted to land it safely. "It's a little too late, I'm still too tired" He didn't bring it up at the break of day he left her bed in the morning and left her home.

_To bring it up, in the weary dark of night _

_Between black and white _

_Is a thousand shades of grey _

_I'm not giving up but I need a little light _

_Oh- save it for the break of day _

_Save it for the break of day _


	16. Magic

_I don't do this sort of thing, I said_

_As he leaned in and ran his fingers through my hair_

_I could see he didn't believe me _

_And I could tell from his sweet smile he didn't care_

Teresa sat at the bar twirling her drink she didn't understand why she was here. Yes she and Patrick had parted ways two weeks ago, but still it felt odd and strangely wrong. Her thoughts were interrupted by a man who had approached the part of the bar she was sitting at. He looked into her eyes and said "May I bye you another drink?"  
_He slipped his hand under my skirt _

_And for a moment I looked deep into his eyes _

_I didn't see much in there _

_Apart from an emptiness I sadly recognized _

They had two more drinks Teresa supposed he was feeling a bit more free because his hand migrated up her skirt. She looked into his eyes and she couldn't see anything there but the emptiness reminded her of how she felt now that Patrick wasn't there anymore.

_Let me take you far away from here, he said _

_I know some magic that is sure to pick you up_

_I thought of me alone in my cold hotel bed _

_And I said, yeah well, why not _

He said to her "I've got some magic it'll take us far away from here. It'll pick you up." Teresa looked at him looked down at her skirt. She thought about her home and her bedroom and how cold and lonely that would be. She said "Yeah well, why not?"

_He took me back to where he lives _

_We had a drink and tried to start a friendly chat _

_But neither of us felt much like talking _

_About the lives that we were there to forget _

The man's home was clean and sparse. "Isn't this how women get murdered?" She watched him closely as he mixed drinks. He sat across the table from her they tried to start a chat but they could not start one beyond asking each other about their jobs. He gestured towards his bedroom and they both rose from their chairs.

_And so he laid me on the bed _

_And we undressed; the street lights sliced us through the blinds _

_His skin felt warm against my body_

_But my body couldn't hold on to my mind _

He had kissed her and laid her body on the bed and they started to undress. Teresa could see the street lights causing slices of lights on their bodies. His skin was very warm but she couldn't feel the man above her inside her and her mind started to drift away.

_I drifted far away above this stranger's room _

_My thoughts walked down the streets of yesterday _

_Until he stopped and asked if he had come to soon _

_I shook my head and turned away _

Her thoughts drifted to Patrick and she wondered what he was doing now that they had broken away. The man stopped and looked down at her she supposed that he had realized that she wasn't moving. He asked her "Did I come to soon?" Teresa shook her head and turned her body away from his embrace. They laid on opposite sides of the bed in silence for a little while. Teresa got up and got dressed, went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face. She said to him "I'd better go. I don't usually stay out this late.

_We laid a little while in silence _

'_Til I got up, got dressed and splashed cold water on my face_

_I better go, I said politely _

_I don't usually stay out this late _


	17. Stranger

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed! Thank you Jisbon4ever! You are a constant soruce of encouragement!**

_Last night I slept with a stranger _

_For the first time, since you've gone_

_Regretfully lying naked, I reflect on what I've done _

_Her leg still forced in between mine, sticking to my skin _

_Stroking my chest and my hair, head resting below my chin _

_I'm a fox trapped in the headlights _

_And I'm waiting, for the tyres to spin over me _

Patrick Jane was lying next to a woman who was not Teresa Lisbon. He was starting to regret this decision. He to disengage his naked body from the slumbering figure of the other woman but there skin was stuck. He stopped moving and just stared up at the foreign ceiling. The woman's hand was till resting on his chest. She was completely different from Teresa, a curvy redheaded woman. He felt trapped in the room, like he was a fox trapped in the headlights and the tires are about to spin over him.

_Cos everything I love has gone away _

_Oh, cos everything I love has gone away _

"Teresa's, gone away" he thought as he lay in the grasp of another woman. "Everything I love has gone away." He ran through the past few weeks, when they had still been together. He had hurt a lot, he had made her worry, he had mentioned Red John and that's what had ended it. It started up all of their fights it ignited gas fires that were hard to put out. "Everything I love has gone away."

_Oh the dark night is moving slower, and the sleep won't rescue me _

_Leaving me here to suffer, this shameful misery _

_So I long for a taste of freedom, or at least freedom from this bed _

_Silently picking up my clothes, I turn on my heels and I fled _

_And the dark of the street is no solace to me _

_Oh and I don't believe my conscience, will ever be clear again _

He had to leave. To get up, he would go crazy otherwise. He managed to tear himself away from the redhead whose name he did not know. He sat on the edge of the bed, he checked that she wasn't awake and pulled his clothes off the floor. The dark outside offered no relief, he only felt an awful sense of shame, he would never rid this night from his mind.

_Cos everything I love has gone away _

_Oh, cos everything I love has gone away _

"Everything I love has gone away. My conscience will never be clear." He hated being in this weakened state, he hated thinking of himself as subject to human impulses. He liked to think he was above it. He had needed to feel something; he needed someone next to him. This had caused him to seek out the redheaded woman in a bar to seduce her, to fuck her, to regret it later. "Everything will be better in a year, I'm gonna be happier in a year."

_You know in a year, it's gonna be better _

_You know in a year, I'm gonna be happy _


	18. Ghost

_The ghost of you _

_Has almost faded now _

_You're drifting in and out _

_Of my life _

_When leaves you'll come right back _

'_Cause I was yours for a little while _

His image was almost faded. When Teresa tried to remember him, the image that resulted was an etching, a very bad etching that was a shadow of a person. He was like a ghost who was passing on. She had been with that ghost for a little while.

_You will always be _

_A ghost who lives and breathes _

_And you lay me down in reverie _

_Every tear that falls _

_Remember me _

Even if he was turning into and etching, he still lived and breathed. Patrick would always be a living memory of a time when, Teresa achieved some sense of happiness. She would cry when she thought of time when she tried to find physical happiness with a stranger. Each tear was a reminder of the things that she had tried to change. She wanted to keep Patrick in her memories; she wanted him to keep her in his memories.

_And I thought I heard your haunting sigh _

_Like your love for me, you said it will never die _

_But I've grown accustomed to your long good-bye_

_I wish you were mine _

_Hey…you were mine _

She was getting used to being alone; she wasn't crying herself to sleep, she hadn't yet managed to smile yet. Often when she was at home she would drink the same kind of teas Patrick liked and just think. Sometimes she thought she would hear him sighing. "I've grown accustomed to you being gone." She would think. "I wish you were still mine."

_You will always be _

_A love who failed to see _

_It was cold inside your mystery _

_Every year that falls _

_Remember me _

"Please remember me." She would think this every hour of every day. She wanted Patrick to come back. His image was almost gone. She was losing her etching of him day by day. She worried about what would happen after a couple years passed. Would she forget him and move on? "I loved you. I think you loved me, but you won't be back." She had promised herself she wouldn't be crying, but now she can't stop the tears from flowing into her tea cup.

_And I can't let you go _

_I can't let you go _

_No _

She can't ever let him go. She would never admit to herself or anyone else how deeply she missed him. No one at work asked where Patrick was; she would sit at her desk and watch her coworkers, she wants to scream "Well don't you want to know where he's been?" She hates herself and she wonders why she isn't strong.

_You will always be _

_A ghost who lives and breathes _

_And you broke my heart _

_But I'll make you see _

_Every tear that falls _

_Remember me _

"You're a ghost, but I want you to remember me." She was back sitting in a chair and drinking his favorite tea. She was always finding herself back here. She was starting to realize she had no life outside of work. He eyes are red and her eyes are baggy from lack of sleep. She rotated the mug in her hand; she made a wish that Patrick would come back. She heard a click in the lock, her head snaps towards her front door and reaches for her gun next to the chair, and she aims it towards the door ready to shoot. The door opened and she drops the gun.

_Hey…._

_Hey…_

_Hey…yeah…  
_

_every tear that falls_

_Remember me…_


	19. Don't leave home

_Like a ghost don't need a key _

_Your best friend I've come to be _

_Please don't think of getting up from me _

_You don't even need to speak _

_I've been here for just one day _

_You'll already miss me if I go away _

_So close the blinds and shut the door _

_You won't need other friends anymore_

Jane was standing in her doorway. Teresa's gun had dropped from her hand which had clattered at her feet, and miraculously had not gone off. He looked at her and said "Is it your habit to point guns at every visitor who unexpectedly shows up?" her face twisted up into a frown and she said "Okay, Jane you can leave if you don't have a good reason for being here." She turned away from him and sat back on the couch. He shut the door and sat on a chair close to the couch, he leaned over and took her hands and said "I came to apologize, Teresa. I hope you're willing to listen before you decide to banish me from your life."

_Oh don't leave home _

_Oh don't leave home _

She was still angry, she thought he was performing one of his mind tricks by taking her hands in his and trying to get her to trust him again. She looked at his face pulled her hands away from his and slapped him across the face. He didn't react at first; he brought his hand up to where she slapped him. Teresa got up from the couch and looked down at him and said "What makes you think you can come back here after disappearing and expect to be forgiven? Where the hell do you get off Patrick?" her mouth remained opened, she hadn't meant to use his first name, she only ever used it in her head. In the few moments when she wasn't screaming at him, Jane pulled her into a kiss and simultaneously pushed her back onto the couch.

_If you're cold _

_I'll keep you warm _

_And if you're low _

_Just hold on _

_Cause I will be your safety _

_Oh don't leave home _

She really made no effort to resist; she was always intoxicated by his presence. She had missed him and her mind and her body wanted him. He whispered into her ear "Your body's cold." He was trying to pull her clothes off. He had her body laid down on the couch and he was trying to fit his body on the couch as well. She pushed up against his chest and made them both sit up. She untied her bathrobe put Jane's hands around her now naked waist and said "You know what room to carry me to."

_I arrived when you were weak _

_I'll make you weaker like a child _

_Now all your love you give to me _

_When your heart is all I need _

Jane laid Teresa on the bed, all her clothes were gone. He still had on his entire three piece suit. He was trying to undo the belt on his pants. She could see his hands shaking; she had never seen him in a nervous state. She rose up from the bed and helped him undo the belt and she started unbuttoning his shirt. Once that was done Patrick push her back on the bed and maneuvered his head between her legs he could hear gasping with pleasure. He stopped after awhile and entered her.

_Oh don't leave home _

_Oh don't leave home_

When they made love they always made each other weak. They would reel, huffing and reliving it multiple times during the night. Right know Patrick was lying on Teresa's naked chest she could feel his body shuddering and shaking, he was gripping her tightly like she was the only thing he could hold onto. She whispered into his now messy hair "Don't leave home."

_If you're cold _

_I'll keep you warm _

_And if you're low _

_Just hold on _

_Cause I will be your safety _

_Oh don't leave home _

In bed they clung to each other desperately, the shared the mutual feeling of that if they ever let go they would lose their bearings in the world. Teresa knew he was pretending to sleep but she whispered to him "If you're cold, I'll keep you warm and if you're low, just hold on." She could see a smile curling on his lips. His shaking had ceased and she felt calmer.

_Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be _

_When it's just you and little me _

_Everything is clear and everything is new _

_So you won't be leaving _

_Will you? _

Everything felt clear whenever they were in bed together. She was no longer angry with him; she hadn't quite forgiven him yet. She touched his sleeping face well if he was still in the mood in the morning she would completely forgive him. She talked to him again "The world's quiet when I'm with you Patrick. So you won't be leaving, will you?" he smiled again and she knew he wouldn't leave her.

_And if you're cold _

_I'll keep you warm _

_And if you're low _

_Just hold on _

_Cause I will be your safety _

_Oh don't leave home _

When he knew she was asleep Patrick opened his eyes. He looked up at her and lessened his death grip on her body. Her tiny body was overflowing with heat. "I won't leave, I'd never be able to leave you." He thought. He touched her once smooth now tangled hair. He couldn't stand the way he had treated her. He could feel a couple tears fall, then he felt a hand ruffle his hair, he just started crying more and he knew Teresa was smiling.

_Cause I will be your safety _

_I will be your safety _

_I will be your safety _

_Oh don't leave home _


	20. Song titles for When you're awayso far

**So since I've been asked about the song titles here they are **

**I promise I will out the newest chapter up as soon as possible! Thank you to everyone who has reviewed my story! **

**Chapter 1. Tina Dico/ when you're away**

**Chapter 2. Tina Dico/ Craftsmanship and Poetry **

**Chapter 3. Tina Dico/ Room with a view **

**Chapter 4. Tina Dico/ One **

**Chapter Teng/ Transcontinental 1:30 AM**

**Chapter 6. Tina Dico/ Night Cab **

**Chapter 7. Snow Patrol/ Crack the shutters **

**Chapter 8. Vienna Teng/ Blue Caravan **

**Chapter 9. Tina Dico/ Headshop **

**Chapter 10. Tina Dico/ in the red **

**Chapter 11. Zero 7/ Home **

**Chapter 12. Ane Brun/ the Puzzle **

**Chapter 13. Elysian Fields/ Black acres **

**Chapter 14. Placebo/ Running up that hill **

**Chapter 15. Tina Dico/ Break of day **

**Chapter 16. Tina Dico/ Magic **

**Chapter 17. Noah and the whale/ Stranger **

**Chapter 18. Eastmountainsouth/ Ghost **

**Chapter 19. Dido/ don't leave home **


	21. Before you leave

_Tell me that you love me one more time _

_Before you leave, before you leave _

_Wrap your arms around me hold me tight _

_Before you leave, before you leave _

He liked watching her sleep, when he couldn't sleep. She was always the calmest when she was sleeping. He played with her hair as he watched her sleep now, it was longer and she was curling it and now she had bangs. Her sleeping face was her most beautiful face. He loved this face her mouth was open in such a way that it looked like she was singing. Jane slipped his left arm under Teresa's body and wrapped his right arm around the rest of her naked body and breathed in the scent of her hair.

_Whisper to me softly in my ear _

_Before you leave, before you leave _

_Tell me that you'll miss me when you're not here _

_Before you leave, before you leave _

Patrick got up from the bed a couple hours later; he walked around Teresa's house wandering from room to room like a ghost. He thought about how beautiful she was, he loved being with her, when they made love every noise she made became the most pleasant thing in the world for him. Whenever they were together she chased away all his demons. And that's what worried him that his demons would become too much for her and he agonized over the fact that she might leave. He wondered if he should leave, so that he could pretend to protect her.

_When you get to where you're going _

_Would you call and let me know you're ok? _

'_Cause I'll be thinking 'bout you _

_Won't you ease my mind and let me know you're safe? _

He walked towards the bedroom leaned his head on the doorway and watched Teresa sleep. Patrick imagined her leaving; he could see in his mind her telling him it was too painful for her to keep their relationship going and that she couldn't support them both anymore. He could feel a lump forming in his throat he realized how much pain he was causing her when he would leave and when he stayed. He steeled himself from crying, he didn't want to cry. "Patrick." From Teresa's bedroom he heard his name, it was almost a whisper, and he realized she was talking in her sleep. The sheets on the bed were moving around and he realized she was reaching for him in her sleep.

_The weathers turning, don't forget your coat _

_Before you leave, before you leave _

_Listen close, there's something you should know _

_Before you leave, before you leave _

Patrick didn't go in even though Teresa was calling him and reaching for him in a state of weakness. He wondered what he would do if she wasn't there, he would probably self destruct even more quickly than he was now. He would have wounded himself more if she wasn't around anymore. She was calling his name now even more, he couldn't resist anymore.

_The darkness that shadowed you was mine _

_It was never yours at all _

_The light behind your eyes that used to shine _

_Gets brighter as you walk away _

Once he came to her side of the bed she immediately reached for him, latched on and refused to let him go, he smiled and let himself be pulled back into the bed. She hadn't really been asleep, she had been calling his name because she gotten scared and wanted to know where he was, she realized she desperately needed him, it was vital that he stayed with her. When he hadn't come the first time she called his name she had started to cry silently, because she was worried he would never come back. Once she had pulled him back into bed using a death grip she cursed herself when she realized he would be able to see the tear stains on her face. However he just soothed her back into sleep, stroking her hair and holding her tiny fragile body tightly.

_Tell me that you love me one more time _

_Before you leave, before you leave _

_Wrap your arms around me hold me tight _

_Before you leave, before you leave _


	22. Bulletproof weeks

_Somewhere in between _

_The beginning and the end _

_September took the tourist _

_And settled in for good _

They had left all the windows open, except one. Teresa had wanted that window closed because it was closest to the bed and she claimed it would be too cold during the night. He doubted it would actually be cold but he decided not to argue it out with her, what with Van Pelt, Rigsby, and Cho's rooms being just down the hall. They had been having a long drawn out fight starting when they had left California and had climaxed here in New York. They were standing at opposite sides of the room her at a window half looking out and half not looking at anything. He was standing at one side of the bed watching her.

_You could hear the trains again _

_Brooklyn girls in scarves _

_Summer left and no one said a word _

The only reason they would be in New York was because they were following Red John on an anonymous tip. Jane rejected this move because he felt Red John was more of a homebody, then a traveling serial killer. But Teresa had decided the team would go since she and Jane had been fighting and she decided to flout his suggestions to spite him. She had kicked him out of her house and refused to sleep with him and that hurt his pride. He wanted to repair the rift between them but he didn't want to have to say anything to please her and make her believe she was right, when she wasn't.

_We'd open your window _

_Stay in your bed _

_All day 'til the street lights came on _

When they were at home in California they would leave all the windows open during the summer and they would lie in her bed until the evening. He treasured these times not because of the sex but because of the conversations they had. Now that they were in the room in New York this was also he wanted to do he just wanted to go back to bed with her. The light was starting to fade in the sky.

_So what happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms? _

_What happened to singing cheap radio songs? _

_What happened to thinking the world was flat? _

_What happened to that? _

He was starting to regret the fight they had before coming here. The regret was seeping into his veins even though he tried to push it back. He wanted things to be like they had been in California he was missing her slight, warm body next to his and she missed the conversations they had. He loathed the silence of the room, neither of them saying a thing no kind or angry words just the sound of traffic and laughter.

_Up on 59__th__ street _

_Right before the rain _

_Lovers catching taxis going down town _

He could hear the noises of the New York pavements outside. He tried to imagine what was going on outside on the street. He could see pairs of lovers in taxis going downtown. He could see couples hiding in entryways. He could see only happy people and he felt even more isolated than ever before. He wanted to reach out and touch Teresa. 

_I'm talking to what's left of you _

_Watching what I say _

_Counting all the freckles on your prefect face _

He finally moved his body towards where Teresa was at the window. He touched her arm and she turned her body sharply to face him. Her face was angry but she didn't say anything. He held her face in his hands, he said "You have the most prefect face, you have so many freckles." He should know he had counted all twenty seven of them. She wrenched herself away from him and half yelled "Not now Patrick! I don't want you to touch me!" He kept staring at her hurt angry face, feeling even more hurt than before.

_You open your window _

_And I stay on your bed _

_Just hoping the right words will come _

He sat back down on the bed and she opened the only window that remained closed. He was unable to say the thing he needed to say which was _"I'm sorry" _and_ "I love you" _but her couldn't say either of those things because of his pride. His pride prevented from ever showing emotion from ever expressing love.

_So what happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms?_

_What happened to singing cheap radio songs?_

_What happened to thinking the world was flat? _

_What happened to that? What happened to that? _

He hated himself right now. He only wanted things to be normal again. Whatever normal was anymore, he wasn't really sure he knew. He just wanted to go and hold her forever.

_It's all gone, love its all wrong_

They were both lying bed in now after a short hot lovemaking session. They had both pulled towards opposite sides of the bed, both unsatisfied. They hadn't been in tune with each other he had managed in getting her to come to bed but it was half-hearted and lackluster. He could still hear the noises from the street outside.

_So what happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms? _

_What happened to feeling cheap radio songs? _

_What happened to thinking the world was flat? _

_What happened, what happened to that? _


	23. No time to sleep

_Who's gonna sings the song of change _

_If no one can imagine life outside the beaten track? _

_And who's gonna stop a running train _

_If no one cares to dwell and no one wants to look back _

"Okay." Lisbon said as she loaded up her gun. She patted her bulletproof vest just to see if it was still there "The suspect is in there he's dangerous and I don't want us all to go in at once. We're trying to get Jane out as safely as possible." She looked at her team members Van pelt, Cho, and Rigsby. They all gave affirmative nods she directed her next statement at Van pelt "You're going to go in with me, I think our suspect might respond better to a female presence. Van pelt's response was a slow nod they quickly holstered their guns and went in.

_Somewhere along the line you gave up asking _

_When it got a little too complex _

_But if you don't question what has been _

_Does it mean that you don't care what's coming next? _

The suspect had Jane they couldn't see the gun Teresa assumed it was in Jane's back. She was tense; she tried to make herself look as small as possible to the suspect. She tried not to look at Patrick's face he knew he would try to reason with the suspect even though at this point it would not be advisable or possible. She collected herself together and addressed the suspect "Jeffery I know your upset, I understand why but killing this man will not help you it will only make things worse." Van pelt seeming to take Teresa's lead said "Jeffery we need you to put the gun down we don't want to hurt you." Jeffery's beady eyes looked from Teresa to Van pelt to Patrick who was wincing from the pain of having a gun in his back. Teresa begged Patrick in her mind to keep his mouth shut for once. But, no this was Patrick Jane, he spoke "Jeffery listen to me, listen to my voice. You're climbing a set of stairs each time you go up a step you can feel your body's getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier." Jeffery's response was to shove the gun even harder into his back and to say "Shut up you government pig!" and the gun went off Patrick fell to the floor and Van pelt and Teresa jumped into action.

_You've got no one to follow _

_And no one will follow you_

_Ain't that a relief _

_That everything and everyone must grow in opposition _

_To resistance and contradiction _

_This ain't no time to go to sleep _

Teresa saw him fall and yelled "this isn't any time to sleep." and was there first as Van pelt yelled and wrestled Jeffery to the ground. Teresa opened up Patrick's jacket and saw the blood blooming on his pristine shirt she took off her bullet proof vest and her jacket and began to stem the blood flow. She could his eyes were still somewhat open she saw that they weren't blank she had called for an ambulance Rigsby, Van pelt, and cho were in there with her she kept repeating the words she had said when he fell the words were starting to sound hollow and useless. She held on to Patrick's body until all three agents had to pull her off so the paramedics could load him into the ambulance.

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

Patrick could see Teresa's face above him he wanted to move his limbs and say something but he couldn't move. He realized than that he had been shot. He wondered if this meant he was going to join his wife and child. He wasn't ready to go yet he hadn't fulfilled the mission he had set for himself. He couldn't leave yet he didn't know where he would go and he didn't want Teresa to be alone. She had experienced too much death. He could see her mouth moving and he could see of her being pulled away and then him being loaded up in the ambulance and then he closed his eyes.

_So who's gonna sing a song of faith _

_If no one prays for anything that can't be bought and sold?_

_And who's gonna tell a story straight?_

_Does anyone believe there's still a story to be told? _

Teresa was now back at CBI offices she was watching Jeffery through the one way mirror; he was shifting in his chair and constantly flitting his head from side to side. She was occupied with her thoughts "Do you still have faith in the things you've done Jeffery? Are you going to tell a straight story? Is there still a story to be told?" her whole body was telling her to beat Jeffery until his body was broken and bloody on the interrogation room floor. She breathed in and out like how Patrick had taught her the urge subsided. She went in and asked Jeffery several questions that she got no answers to. She left the interrogation room and she began to silently cry her body was heaving with unaccustomed tears. Van pelt came by and when she saw what was happening to her boss she pulled Teresa into a perfume smelling hug.

_Somewhere along the line you just stopped walking_

_When the undercurrent got too strong _

_Someday a lonely busker will come knocking _

_With a soft and long forgotten song _

When everything quieted down when she was done dealing with Jeffery, Hightower, and the press. She managed to get to the hospital. She found his room and stood at the head of his hospital bed. It was unusual to see him in a medicated sleep; he seemed incredibly vulnerable and peaceful at the same time. She knew he couldn't hear her but she said the things in her head "Why did you slow down? Why did you stop walking? Why did you let yourself be held hostage? Why? Why? Why? I love you, you stupid bastard!"She yelled this last phrase and then she stopped herself for saying anymore because even though she knew he was asleep she thought he must have heard her say "I love you."

_If you've got no one to follow _

_And no one will follow you_

_Ain't that a relief _

_That everything and everyone must grow in opposition _

_To resistance and contradiction,_

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

Patrick was drifting in and out of the blackness he was sure that he was medically asleep. Patrick felt weak and he wasn't used to the feeling he wanted to reach out for Teresa's arms but he knew she wasn't there in the dark. He could hear and see his wife calling to him "Let's go Patrick. Let's be together again." He was about to go he was so tired and weak, but then he heard another voice. "I love you, you stupid bastard!" He looked towards his wife and she faded he ran towards the voice but then his vision blacked again. His vital signs had gone down and he was unstable. The doctors pushed away Teresa as they tried to bring Patrick back down to normal. They pushed her out of the room and she forced herself to leave.

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

She stayed with for several weeks through his recovery. He finally woke up though. She was holding his hand and she not saying anything suddenly he squeezed her hand. She called his doctor and when he came in she silently cried again. As soon as he woke he started complaining about everything and he quickly frustrated the hospital staff. But Teresa just smiled and talked to him she pretended that she had never said "I love you." But Patrick knew he always knew. When they went home he clung to her so that he was impossible to pull away and he was finally able to sleep easily.

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

_This ain't no time to go to sleep_

_This ain't no time to go to sleep _

_This ain't no time to go to sleep _


	24. News and updates for my readers

**News: **

**Sorry everybody that I haven't been updating for a very long time. The lapse has mostly been due to time constraints, writer's block, and a lot of worry about anybody reading my stories. **

**However I have a new set of songs set and I'm ready to start writing again. So please stay tuned for the next few chapters of When you're away. **


	25. All I See

_In every heart _

_There's a hole _

_There's a space _

_For something new _

Teresa feels hollow and tired; the hollowness comes from something that should be removed. She had previously experienced this when her father had died. She had often filled this void by throwing herself into work and it solves the problem for awhile, until _he, _Patrick Jane arrives. She starts to realize what she has been missing. She hadn't felt her void increase since her father's death, when she started throwing herself into work. When he's not around she can feel the void inside her throbbing.

_At every start _

_There's a goal _

_There's a place_

_We're running to _

Whenever she went to sleep he was all Teresa could see. After he had been shot, and when he had healed, there was still a scar. When they were in bed at night neither would sleep. Teresa would touch the scar on his abdomen; she would imagine a scar like that as the void inside her. When they were near each other she felt like the void was being slowly healed. She was realizing at this point that this void existed for something new to happen to be filled by someone else.

_But in my strangest dreams _

_Through nights of feverish screams _

_I don't know what it means _

_But all I see is you _

_And when I've run too far _

_Chasing that lonesome star _

_I don't know who you are _

_But all I see is you…_

At some point she started to wake up screaming recurring nightmares of her past of her life as of late. The fears of being hit and abandoned were frequently in her dreams. She could feel hands hitting her and wounds forming and blood flowing. The bad memories that she thought she could escape in her dreams hadn't left her and always came back with relentless force and energy. Patrick experiences bad dreams as well his dreams are more lucid and on the surface. He doesn't dream of killing Red John. He tells her "All my dreams are about killing you."

_In every girl_

_There's a door _

_An open gate_

_To walk right through_

"I always dream of killing you. On purpose, on accident, and in anger. In my dreams I'm always trying to fill a void, a void that is not filled by killing Red John. I see you initially I try to hug you, you're saying things I cannot hear. But for some reason it irks me I don't know why but it does. I put both of my hands around your neck I choke you to death. I take a knife and cut you to pieces. Then the dream ends." She initially thinks he's playing a very sick joke, one of his elaborate cons to catch killers, he can't sleep he has insomnia he can't sleep. No, he tells her it even though it's not a dream it's a fantasy like a dream but its conscious it happens while you're awake. These "fantasies" she wonders if they might take a more realistic sexual term. Will these "fantasies" happen? Will they show up in real life in a very real form?

_But every girl _

_Wants much more _

_Then she can take _

_And hold on to_

These fantasies don't happen he is too self -controlled and contained to ever let something uncontrolled and dangerous to explode onto the surface. But if it had ever possible, what would it look like. Would it look like a bloodthirsty rampage? Or would it be the murder of one or maybe two? Would it be the murder of her Teresa or the murder of them, Teresa and Patrick, would it be Patrick and Red John? If it came to be any of these things she would either laugh or cry. Laugh because Patrick and Red John dying together could be thought of as divinely unfair. She would cry because she would know they had bitten off more than they could chew.

_And in my highest hopes_

_My brushes biggest strokes_

_A heavy stone that floats _

_All I see is you_

_With fear that won't let go_

_Tears that won't stop to flow _

_The truth I'll never know _

_All I see is you…_

_All I want is you…_

These murderous daydreams that he has, they seep into everyday life into cases, into their relationship, and back into sex which could be equal parts rough, loving, and abusive. He said "My daydreams are distracting so I ignore them." She would think -her arms crossed across her chest "Well, that's not what your body's saying. Your body's saying; I want to screw your brains out, because I can't think of anything else to fix myself." Instead she said "Are you sure you want to do that before we go forward with anything?" He would never answer this question it was the same non-answer to any and every question she did or didn't have. She was now starting to realize she would never get an answer if her continued to be the only thing she saw when she went to bed at night.

_And in my highest hopes_

_My brushes biggest strokes_

_A heavy stone that floats _

_All I see is you_

_With fear that won't let go_

_Tears that won't stop to flow _

_The truth I'll never know _

_All I see is you…_

_All I want is you…_


	26. So Sorry

_I'm sorry_

_Two words I always think _

_After you've gone _

_When I realize I was acting all wrong _

Teresa was sitting at home reading a book. She didn't know where Patrick had gone; she wasn't worried about where he was but where they were going. They never to talk about things using their heads but instead they talked with their hearts and bodies. She wondered if they could keep going on sex alone, can a person keep a relationship like this without one or the other person going insane. She resolved that once Patrick came back they would talk.

_So selfish _

_Two words that could describe_

_Oh actions of mine _

_When patience is in short supply_

When she heard him come through her front door she set her book down and curled her legs underneath her on the couch. He came into the living room, Teresa took a deep breath leaned back into the couch and asked "Where were you?" Patrick looked at her and then gave her one of his fake smiles. "I was out having fun. Were you jealous?" He came over to the couch and lightly kissed her on the lips in greeting. "No I'm not jealous. You're too much of a weirdo for people to pick up. Patrick, we need to talk."

_We don't need to say goodbye_

_We don't need to fight and cry _

_Oh we, we could hold each other tight tonight_

"Patrick." The only time Teresa uses his Christian name it meant some kind of important talk was about to occur. Patrick as par for the course he would try to avoid any possible conversation as quickly as possible. So he said "Do you want some tea?" Teresa's eyes became slits as she followed him into the kitchen she watched as he started heating up some water on the stove. "Patrick where are we going to go from here? What I mean is can our relationship survive being so erratic and spotty?" He turned around and placed his hands on the counter leaning into it for support. "I don't want to talk with my head. I just want to hold you."

_We're so helpless _

_We're slaves to our impulses _

_We're afraid of our emotions _

_And no one knows where the shore is _

_We're divided by the ocean _

_And the only thing I know is _

_That the answer isn't for us _

_No the answer isn't for us _

"Why do women always want to talk about emotions? Why do you need to question our relationship Teresa? I'm here every night, I'm in your bed most nights and we comfort one another. What more do we need to talk about?" Teresa's eyes widened in shock and then closed, she counted to ten and stated her words carefully "Because I don't want a relationship that is purely about licking each other's wounds. What I'm wondering right now if you're in an emotional state where you can't give me what I emotionally need. Yes I like having sex as much as the next person, and I love having sex with you it's great and I can't get enough. But I need to know if we can move beyond that? Can we?"

_I'm sorry_

_Two words I always think _

_Oh after you've gone _

_When I realize I was acting all wrong_

The tea kettle had begun to scream, and Patrick briefly turned his attention to it. She watched him gently handle it and pour some of the steaming water into two cups. He then took out some herbal tea and put two tea bags into the cups. He handed one to her and plaintively avoided her eyes. "I have thought about those things Teresa. I thought about them for a long time and I've concluded that it isn't possible. Our relationship wouldn't survive." He ended this statement as if it would finish the conversation. She wasn't ready to give up the fight and she wasn't ready to give up the conversation. "Well if that's how you feel about it I guess you can't stay here anymore."

_We don't need to say goodbye_

_We don't need to fight and cry _

_We, we could hold each other tight tonight_

She watched as his eyes flashed deep hurt and pain and then clouded over and grew cold. He swallowed the rest of his tea in one gulp and placed it gently in the sink. He turned to her and said "Well that's it then." He walked out of the kitchen she didn't start to until she heard him close the front door. She wondered if it was selfish to ask for more then what he was already giving. If this was the sacrifice of actually having a conversation she would have almost preferred being held tight. She would have preferred a wound licking relationship.

_Tonight_

_Tonight_

_Tonight_

_Tonight_


	27. Let's Go Dancing

_Our minds run in circles_

_Racing 'round the restaurant _

_Searching for what more to say_

_To say what we really want_

Teresa sat filling out reports at her desk. Everyone had already left even the CBI's other night-owl Jane. She didn't know where he was, out doing something strange and illegal no doubt. She hoped he wouldn't get her involved in whatever he was doing. She hated filling paperwork, paperwork no doubt made hell seem like an appealing alternative. She wasn't even filling out paperwork for anything exciting it was just for some petty thief who was so incompetent that what he had stolen had been stolen by someone else. She heard some music; she looked up, looked around and went back to her paper work doing her best to ignore it. It was just a waft of guitar music. The guitar was very soft and the guitar was accompanied by very soft voices. A man and a woman. Teresa had a sudden urge to get up and dance around her office.

_Let's leave it like it is _

_Stop Staring at these walls_

_Let's not go headlong to that distance_

_Where you can't come back at all _

She looked up again when she heard footsteps coming into her office. It was him blond curls, a smile, and all. She put on her surliest face and said "Well, what'd you want?" Patrick laughed gently and then smiled again. "I know you want to dance. You get a tic in your face when you want to do something. C'mon you know you want to and it's the perfect waltz song." To be contrary Teresa responded with a strong "No." he just kept smiling. "You know you'll like it." He said. She found herself getting up, she ignored the hand that he held out for her and she stepped out into the middle of the empty bullpen. He had his IPod set up on a desk he went over to it paused the song and then started it again. He turned back to her and held out his arms. "No turning back now." Teresa thought so she took one of his hands and placed the other one very high up on her waist. Once she had done so he began to lead in a slow waltz. It felt right and very calm and safe. It was slow suspended in time if Teresa wanted to reach for a cliché. They slowly just waltzed around it was such a private and intimate moment occurring in a public place Teresa almost blushed but calmed herself down and just thought about the person who she was dancing with.

_Let's go dancing _

_Waltz around the rumour mill _

_In your faded dress with the daffodils_

_Let's go dancing _

_Let time stand still _

He gently pressed his foreheadto hers and softly said "We should do this more often, makeup like this. Wear your dress with the daffodils on it. You look so beautiful in it." She smiled slightly and teasingly said "I'm not beautiful every day?" he said smiling "No you're beautiful every day in every way." "Ooh you can rhyme. So where have you been?" she said "Brooding mostly. But I decided I was tired of brooding and that I would like to be with the person I like to dance with the most." He said. To keep the mood light and soft she said "Careful now you don't know how good of a dancer I am." She said. "Well I think I already know." He said and smiled.

_Once your name was but a whisper _

_A simple wish upon my tongue _

_Staring at your shadow _

_Was like staring at the sun_

"I didn't think I'd ever be doing this." Teresa whispers. "Dancing with me?" Patrick asks. "No…I mean this doing things like this, nice things. Dancing sleeping together it feels like we are a couple not just a friends with benefits type relationship." She almost lets this last phrase drop to the floor she whispers it so quietly he grips her hand and waist a little tighter and says "Aren't we a couple we're two fools dancing." She tries not to let a laugh escape but it escapes a little bit. "Thanks." She says "Thanks for letting me hear that."

_In this dark, dark hour_

_You still illuminate a room _

_Oh God give us the power _

_Gotta keep ourselves in tune _

They kept waltzing around the room until the song ended. Patrick relinquished his grip on Teresa's body and went over to his IPod and restarted the song again. They came back together and started to move as a single unit. She didn't want to go back and do paperwork she liked this she liked the dancing. She was fine with the idea of living inside their own bubble; they didn't need anyone else as long as they had their own quiet bubble. If they just had their own bubble everything would be fine everything would be safe. She was happy he had finally admitted to her that they were something beyond a manipulative relationship. Maybe they could move towards something resembling a relationship.

_Let's go dancing _

_Waltz around the rumour mill _

_In your faded dress with the daffodils_

_Let's go dancing _

_Let time stand still _


	28. Goodbye

_Goodbye, I'll be gone when you open your eyes _

_I'm skipping town like a stone thrown across the water _

_Gonna set sail _

_There's no need for you to wave cos I'm catching one on my own now _

_Don't leave a key underneath the mat for me cos I won't be coming back around here_

Patrick Jane woke up silently it was still dark outside. He rubbed his face in his hands feeling the stubble and rubbing his dark circles. He wants to shave. His face and body feels itchy but the electric razor would wake her up so he chooses not to. He gets up, finds a clean three-piece suit in the closet. He puts it on. He bends to his knees and reaches under the bed and pulls out an old-fashioned pre-packed suitcase. He sets it upright and uncurls his body and looks to the bed. Teresa's body is lying in a curled up position in the bed. Her hands were tucked up under her chin in a childlike matter. It was one of the things Patrick liked most about her when she slept. He watched her for a longer time. Her breasts were exposed, her body acted like it was cold she was curling up to protect her cold torso. He pulled up the blanket around her body. She did not stir.

_Goodbye, I'm not gonna cry as I'm hopping that train knowing that I won't see you again_

_Don't leave a key underneath the mat for me cos I won't be coming back around here_

He tried not to cry he sat on the bed and set the case on the floor. He ran his left hand along her back. He moved it towards her head running his fingers through her hair, gently rubbing her forehead. He caressed it with one thumb, it was beautiful pale and young and fresh. _"Goodbye." _He seemed to be saying. _"I won't see you when you wake up, but remember me." _He could feel a lump in his throat he didn't want to leave. He needed to stop he needed to get going he had a bus and a plane to catch. He had to leave now. It pained him to get up and it pained him to go to the bus but he hoped she understood what he was trying to say with his touches all the "Sorrys." And "Goodbyes." He wanted to convey.

_Taking a plane into the sky _

_I'm not gonna look down and I'm not gonna look back, so don't leave a key underneath the mat for me cos I won't be coming back around here_

"Don't look back" he thought. "Don't ever look back." He thought as he got on the bus. "Don't ever look or come back." He thought ad he got on the bus.

_Coming back around here_

**Sorry this is so short. I promise to write something longer although updates will be infrequent. I will accept suggestions for lyrics :)**


	29. Friend in a bar

**Sorry about updates being so uneven. If you want to prompt me with songs, I will take anything. I'm sorry that this chapter is so literaly related to the song.**

* * *

_I met a friend in a bar last night_

_A girl from a far away past_

_We counted and worked out that it'd been more than seven years _

_Since we saw each other last _

The phone in Teresa's house rang. She let it ring two times and then went over to answer it. "Hello?" she was surprised to hear who it was on the other end. It was a voice from Catholic school a girl she had known for most of high school. "Teresa it's me. I found out you were living out in Sacramento now and well I'm here so it been a long time…" her voice got quieter as she trailed off. "Y-yes it has been a long time." Teresa said as she ran her fingers through her hair, she was trying to stretch out the conversation. "How long has it been?" Teresa said. "Four." Maybe no, no it wasn't "Five." Trying to work out the years they both came to the conclusion that the exact number was probably seven years. "So…could we meet?" the friend asked in a pleading, anxious tone.

_She looked so much older, I have to say _

_She used to dress so lively and smart _

_And now her colors they were faded and her hair was a mess_

_Her expression was tired and hard_

Teresa was already sitting at the bar with her first bear it was cool outside and inside the bar. She pulled her black leather jacket closer to her body for extra warmth. She heard the sound of the bar door opening Teresa only turned her head slightly to gauge who the new customer might be. Her mouth dropped slightly when she saw who it was, it was her high school friend. She looked so much older Teresa almost didn't recognize her. The friend was incredibly dressed down even for a bar that served cheap beer; she wore sweat pants with a trench coat over it. It was much a change from her fashionable dress in high school. But what shocked Teresa the most was the expression on her face, a tired one which caused wrinkles on her forehead atop which lay messy and uncared for hair.

_I asked her what she had been up to since then _

_She hesitated a while _

_She drew a nervous breath and sighed_

"_Not much to be honest."_

_Through a shame-faced smile _

The friend sat down in the empty stool next to Teresa. "So what have you been doing since high school?" Teresa asked. The friend looked at the bar's counter drew in a breath, looked back to Teresa and said "Not much to be honest." She laughed a little and ordered a glass of champagne. "So what have you've been doing other than 'Not much'?" Teresa asked. The friend's eyes opened up wide and said "Oh, just a man." Teresa's eyes immediately returned to her beer.

_We sat there all night, side by side _

_The conversation was slow_

_A few times I got up and said "Okay well…"_

_But I could tell she didn't want me to go _

They didn't say much after the friend made that short confession. Teresa sank back into her beer, the friend kept drinking her champagne. Time passed very slowly, the clock had finally reached 11:30 PM. Teresa wondered how big her dark circles were getting. She had already tried getting up and going by saying "Okay well…" But the friend's eyes would plead for her to stay. Teresa stayed not really out of a duty towards an old friend but rather the pity that she knew her and the friend both wanted from people. It was disturbing to Teresa that she could be in want of the same pity from people that this friend wanted now.

_At three in the morning she suddenly said _

"_Truth is I've done nothing at all _

_My mind's been much too busy thinking of a man_

_And waiting for him to call."_

It was now three in the morning Teresa had a headache that bordered upon intolerably blistering, she ordered another beer. "You know the truth is…" the friend said "I've really done nothing at all. Nothing! Completely idle. This man I mentioned he's been on my mind all the time. I keep waiting for him to call." Teresa came out of the pain of her headache, and turned towards the friend. Teresa's eyes widened slowly.

"_He left me on the day I turned 21 _

_For years now I've been on my own_

_I'm scared that if I change or if I leave my house too long _

_I won't be there when he decides to come home."_

"I met him when I was nineteen, he was amazing, just the most wonderful man in the world. He left me when I turned twenty-one. No explanation, just up and left. But I know he will come back because he loves me and I love him." The friend said breathlessly. "So…" Teresa trailed off and then said "What do you do with yourself?" "I just wait I don't change from how I looked when I was twenty-one and I just wait at home. You know because I want to be there when he comes home." The friend said. Teresa quietly internalized this. All of her police training had geared her to think that this kind of behavior often led to irrational behavior and possibly violent crimes. She wondered how the friend could survive this way in this kind of one-sided relationship. She hadn't considered applying this relationship to herself, not yet anyway, she was still listening to the friend's story.

_I asked about the man and her eyes lit up! _

_The taste of his name brought her right out of her shell _

_She said "It wasn't always easy, he's a complicated man_

_But I know he loves me and I know he meant well."_

"Well what's he like?" Teresa asked. "He's complicated; it's not always easy he's got a mission in life y'know." Teresa thought 'Well yes, you could say every man's complicated. But that's like saying Patrick is complicated because he has a mission of murder. But I suppose I allow him to be "complicated". She listened to the friend again "But y'know what I know he loves me and I know he meant well." On hearing this Teresa thought, 'Are you sure?'

"_He still calls now and then in the dead of my nights_

_He asks if I'm alone in bed_

_And I tell him 'Babe of course I am, I'm yours now and forever_

_Please don't hang up!'_

_And then the line goes dead."_

_Wow nice guy…_

"Well does he call at all?" Teresa asked. "Well now and again, like in the middle of the night he calls me. I try to get him to stay on the line he usually asks me if I'm alone in bed and I say 'Of course I am and I'm yours now and forever.' And then I say 'Please, don't hang up!' And it's the funniest thing the line always goes dead." Teresa simply looked at her thinking 'Wow, nice guy.' But she said "And now what're you going to do?" the friend looked back into her wine and said "Just wait I guess until he comes back." 'What if he never does?' Teresa thought. But now Teresa was starting to draw the parallels between the relationship of this friend and the man and the relationship between her and Patrick Jane. She began to see the similarities and she did not like what was starting to become apparent at all. Teresa had heard and thought enough she broke through her alcohol haze and ignored the headache. She slapped money onto the bar and ran out thinking 'Please, don't let me catch whatever it is she has.'

_I met a friend in a bar last night_

_A girl that lives in the past _

_I got up on my feet and I ran out_

_Thinking "Please don't let me catch that cruel disease she has!"_


	30. Love All Around

**So this time I want to explore the idea of kissing or a snog if you prefer. I also wanted to explore the idea of someone wanting a movie star kiss. So this chapter is the result. If anyone has some song ideas- (I'm running out of ideas and I don't want to end the story yet) - please message me. Reviews and requests are always welcome .**

_When the tears start falling on my pillow  
In the wee hours of the night  
Know that it's not you that cause my eyes to fill, no  
I just float off to the deep end of my life_

Teresa stood in one corner of Cho's living room, watching the people and sipping her vodka. There were people talking, drinking, and dancing to the "Policeman's Xmas Party" on the stereo. Teresa thought she might have witnessed Rigsby briefly doing the worm, before Grace and his wife pulled him off the dance floor. It had been a major coup to get Cho to host the Christmas party. Jane had managed to convince him to hold the party by revealing Cho's Christmas plans which consisted of doing non-Christmassy things. Rigsby had gotten into Jane's act and the party ended up at Cho's. Teresa smiled a little bit, but felt her eyes glaze over from the mixture of alcohol and of deep, closeted need and desire. She wanted to be kissed badly, a kiss like in the movies. It didn't matter which kind of movie she just wanted a movie style kiss.

_When my eyes drift off into the horizon  
And my hand seems to loosen its hold  
Know that it's not you that send my thoughts a-roaming  
I'm just overwhelmed with the affection I'm shown  
That you show  
_

Teresa touched her lips; she could feel all the joy and happiness around her. She could feel all the love around her. It was really starting to depress her, she could feel all the love surrounding her but she couldn't participate in it. She thought 'Where's Patrick? I'm lonely and I need him.' She looked around the room and found Patrick. He was dancing with a woman who worked in the forensics department. She watched the pair, Teresa couldn't bring herself to jealously, her needs were overriding her jealousy. She urgently wanted to be touched. It was past an emotional need to be comforted, it was a physical need. Since he wasn't there next to her Teresa escaped into fantasy. She closed her eyes, leaned her head back and tipped it to her left. She parted her lips slightly, she pretended that Patrick had come from across the room and was there with her. Teresa could feel Patrick kissing her; it was a brilliant, perfect kiss. Teresa wished it was real.

_'Cause there's love all around me  
And there's love all around me  
And there's nothing to keep me from falling  
And drowning in it  
_

Teresa could feel all the love surrounding her within her fantasy and outside in the real world of the Christmas party. There was the romantic love in her fantasy, the kind that expresses itself in a physical way. There was the love the kind of romance and friendship type of love that existed at the party. The unresolved love between Rigsby and Van Pelt, the understated love between Elise and Cho, and the unstated love between Teresa and Patrick. The love was all around Teresa. She had gone deep into the thoughts of her fantasy line. Teresa was still lost in fantasy-land when she felt a presence in front of her and then a hand on her right arm.

_So when the tears start falling on my pillow  
And there seems no reason for this blues  
Know that it's not you that cause my eyes to spill, no  
There's just so much in this life I'm scared to lose  
_

"Aren't you supposed to participate in these little monkey parties, Teresa?" asked Patrick Jane the man who had put his hand on Teresa's arm. "No," she said "I'd prefer to wash some socks than go to these silly 'monkey parties', as you call them." He smiled at her for a bit and said "Right now you're bored. You're bored of this party, and you want to be somewhere else. If I'm being very precise you want to do something else, something with your mouth." Teresa's lip curved into a slight smile. Patrick moved closer and kissed her on the cheek. He then took hold of her arm and pulled her to a darkened hallway. Teresa's back was facing the wall and Patrick now faced her, he leaned placing both hands on the side of her face and pulled her into a kiss. It was a kiss that was close to what Teresa had wished for, an almost movie star like kiss. It was wonderful, filled with love surrounding Teresa, it was love all around.

_'Cause there's love all around me  
And there's love all around me  
And there's nothing to keep me from falling  
And drowning..._

**This is the fanfic you wished that I hadn't written. Any ideas any lyrics are always appreciated.**


	31. Some Other Day

**I wanted to explore the ambivalence that any person has towards the news and the misfortune that is aired on those channels. I think that these stories are meaningless to us unless we experience what we see and hear on the news or we force ourselves to imagine it. I decided that Teresa would experience both of these things in an effort to understand this ambivalence and because I simply like torturing Bruno Heller's characters. I own nothing of this entertaining show.**

_I watched a flood on my TV today_

_I couldn't say from where_

_Just another flood on my TV_

Teresa's body could not rest one night. It was the 50th night away from Patrick, and the 3rd night of sleeplessness. Her body couldn't seem to rest anymore, the thing that made her fall asleep -that only seemed to work- was the television. So, for the third night Teresa got out of bed and walked down the hall to her living room. She turned on the TV and flipped through the channels until she found a news station. She went outside and went to her garage and opened the door. She walked in and looked for the box of Hennessey; she picked it up and took it back to the house with her. Teresa sat down in the living room pouring herself a glass of wine and she became absorbed in the news program. The lead story was about a flood. Teresa couldn't tell from the story whether the flood had occurred in the US or in a foreign country. Thus, in her mind the flood became every flood it transformed into every incident that occurs and that no one seems to care about or notice. This "incident", this flood would go unnoticed like any other disaster in the world it would just be an "incident". Life simply floated by Teresa while disasters occurred on her TV.

_I wasn't bothered it was far away_

_Worlds away from here_

_From my family and me_

Despite the ideas forming in Teresa's head that was triggered by the flood, she denied them. She denied the ideas a life by convincing herself that she wasn't bothered by the flood. She had the thought _At least it's not near my family. It has to be far away from here it doesn't affect my family or me._ Then Teresa had to wonder _Who is my family? _Well, there was her immediate family her brothers and her distant family. There were her colleagues and friends Cho, Rigsby, and Van Pelt. Thought she didn't talk to them using their first names or spend an extensive amount of time with them outside of work. She felt a family had been formed between the work colleagues, the group, as she sometimes called it. Then there was Patrick… he had started out as a consultant who caused endless amounts of paperwork and trouble for Teresa. The relationship had changed and matured. It had started as a work relationship; it had become a close friendship, and had turned into an initially sexual and then emotionally supportive relationship. This flood didn't affect her "family" But if it did, if it was near here, Teresa didn't want to contemplate it…

_But just for a second I could feel_

_This safe and independent life of mine is not real_

_Just for a second I could see_

_That nothing is forever and nothing is for free_

Teresa was comforted by the life she had. She had a good job, some friends, and an attentive lover. But her perceptions were challenged by the TV news. What was occurring in the news was real life. Real life manifested itself in natural disasters and misfortune in rare and remote places. _Maybe this safe life that I have is not real life. Maybe, maybe life is affirmed through natural disasters and pain. These disasters are forever, but my life is impermanent. My life is not forever and nothing in this life if for free._ This idea that was forming and taking place in her mind troubled Teresa's complacency.

_When will I go and make a change _

_I've got the time and I let it waste_

_I frown at people who don't care but I'm just the same_

_I wanna make a difference_

_Maybe some other day_

Teresa wanted to feel like she was making a difference, in her job she had the ability to help victims. _But really,_ Teresa thought_ How much time do I really give to victims? How much change do I cause in their lives? I'm only there for a short amount of time, I see the victims but I don't really help, I just ask questions and hopefully get answers. When am I going to make a change, for the victims of murderers for the victims of any disaster! I'm always critical of people who don't do anything, but really I'm just like them. I want to make a difference in someone's life today, but I always wait for some other day to take action and then I never do take action. _Teresa decided she did not want to be alone with her thoughts any longer. The wine was getting to her and her head was feeling heavy and she was feeling sleepy. She got up and went to bed.

_A bomb went off not far from here tonight_

_And now I'm wide awake_

_Tossing and a-turning in my bed_

Another night of sleeplessness occurred a couple weeks later. Teresa had watched the news before going to bed. The story had been about a bomb going off near where Teresa lived; it left her sleepless and fearful. She couldn't find a comfortable position to sleep in. She had already taken four sleeping pills. She had tried meditating. She couldn't sleep the paranoia and fear was destroying her. She decided to get out of bed.

_A glass of Hennessey sits by my side_

_But with every sip I take_

_These visions creep into my head_

Teresa sipped her glass of wine. She had moved from her bedroom and was now sitting on a chair in her living room. She wanted to avoid thinking of the bomb. She wanted it to slip from her mind, the memory, she wanted the memory to fall from her mind onto the floor and sink into the carpet. Teresa was trying to stopper her memories with alcohol, but the memory of the bomb was creeping through. She was beginning to imagine the bomb exploding and her being in the center of it.

_Just in this second I can see_

_The lights go and bricks and ceilings tumbling on me_

_Just in this second I can hear_

_The steps of panicked neighbors_

_The sound of fear_

In her imagination Teresa was in a building, then there was a pop and she was thrown back. The lights went out and the bricks shot from their stationary positions and landed onto to Teresa. The ceiling came next it caved all the lath and plaster landing onto the bricks that Teresa was already buried under. She could hear people running people in fear and pain. Teresa didn't call out. She didn't think she'd be able to if she tried. This was her imagination after all. Teresa pulled herself out of her imagination; she looked around the living room. It was still the same place, still her home, and the place she had lived more than ten years in. She didn't have to experience the bomb, but she imagined it. She wondered if the real thing was worse than the imagination. The real thing always was of course, she concluded in her mind. _Why can't I take the time to ease the real thing? Erase it somehow; ease the pain in at least one person's mind? Some other day, I suppose._ The wine was reaching her head and Teresa decided to go to bed, weighted down with the thoughts that would be revisited another day.

_When will I go and make a change_

_I've got the time and I let it waste_

_I frown at people who don't care but I'm just the same_

_I wanna make a difference _

_Maybe some other day_


	32. True North

_They say it's a cold place_

_Icy and grey_

_With a wind that cuts through_

_Marrow and bone_

_I've heard the earth cracks open wide_

_Before your eyes and might_

_Swallow you whole_

_They say you can get lost for days_

_In landscapes of big emotions_

_In the endless night when the sun doesn't care_

_To crawl out of bed behind the oceans_

Teresa remembered when the concept of true north had been explained to her. She thought it might have been when she was still in middle school. Perhaps it was an eighth grade science class. The idea that there was not only a magnetic north but a geographic north this had confused her initially but she got used to the idea. She sometimes thought about it during a particularly hard case. There was always one saying or another about trying to get your heart to point north. Of course they always meant that a cop's heart should look to what is right. Teresa tried to find this metaphorical 'North' but she knew very well what is right and just are often two very different things and that they may never agree in some cases. But she hoped for true north, she _longed_ for it, she wanted a way to tell what is truly veracious and unbiased.

_We never learned to use a compass_

_We never learned to read these maps_

_We always yearned for far-off countries_

_We never found a straight way back_

_And it's a miracle_

_A miracle_

She could not apply the concept of being honest to Patrick, he could not be considered completely honest. He was a trickster if one ever needed to define him in one word. He liked to trick criminals, that was his way of having fun. Proving that he was the smartest person in the room that was the game, and it was always his game, when he played as if the other participant didn't exist. While it was fun to watch and occasionally fun to get the chance to participate, but it worried Teresa. It was a game he was playing by himself, he was keeping to himself, and he kept the truth close to his chest. She wasn't always sure if what he was saying was true or if it was just an easy way of getting a reaction or a rise out of her.

_We found true north_

_True north_

Patrick was a strange country to Teresa, he did things differently this mostly manifested itself in the way he treated people. It could be arrogant but behind the arrogance there is always a certain amount of truth. It is conceit of others that wouldn't let people admit their faults. In a way it was beautiful that he felt free to say what was on his mind but that he was also capable of self-control. His movements were fully controlled and they presented him as something nonthreatening. Teresa felt that he didn't present a façade to her, when they were in bed together they responded to each other's movements to the different sensations that touch created between them. That couldn't be faked, when they were naked, they were exposed and open to each other's happiness and pain. And between them there were was much pain and happiness.

_They say it's an old place_

_With ancient tales_

_Of violence and war_

_Passion and soul_

_But I've seen the West bleed into the East_

_Like a slow breeze_

_Blowing ripples of hope_

_And I know I could get lost for life_

_Inside these stories I've heard_

'_Cause it all just shows that what we know_

_Is just the tip, the tip, the tip of the iceberg_

How do you trust someone completely? How long do you have to know each other to trust each other unequivocally? They had known each other for several years they had learned to trust each other. Perhaps that level of trust was best demonstrated when she and Patrick went to Illinois. It had been a stressful visit, full of personal problems. Teresa had desperately wanted to get away. It snowed very hard one day that the only way they could get was using a snow plow. Teresa had driven it and Patrick had sat behind her. He had his arms around her waist. Though they were bundled up to a 'T' she could still feel his body heat coming off of him. His breath on her neck was reassuring it helped her cope with the murder and she felt protected by him even if things seemed hopeless in the cold. She felt she could trust him that time, and when she tried to relive that moment she would remember everything.

_We never learned to use a compass_

_We never learned to read these maps_

_We always yearned for far-off countries_

_We never found a straight way back_

_And it's a miracle_

_A miracle_

Teresa had sometime wondered what Patrick would sound like in another language. She wondered if the meanings of the things he said would become clear maybe the meanings would point to some sort of truth that was not always fathomable in English. Teresa knew some French; she knew enough to know that '_Savoir'_ and '_Connaître' _were two verbs that mean 'to know' but that they have a very specific usage. One means to know facts and the other means to know of someone or something. She wondered which verb Patrick would use the most. She supposed that that verb would be connaître after all he seemed to know about people even when he didn't know them. It was a gift, a fairly _annoying _gift at that. But in some ways it brought them both joy and pain. It's useful to know what a criminal is thinking, but after a while you don't want to contemplate anymore what they are thinking because it becomes terrifying instead of useful. It brings joy because if you have someone you love in front of you, and you know what they are thinking then you are very lucky because you know what will make them truly happy. Patrick despite his fault and his non-truths made Teresa very happy.

_We found true north_

_True north_


End file.
